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Come to the northwoods often?

The pick-up line you're only going to hear around the these parts: "Hey baby, you want to check each other for ticks?"

There's just no easy way out of that one.

Hott.

In case anyone was downtown this afternoon and found themselves wondering who the hot chick was -- wearing white pants, a green shirt, sparkly sandals, and dark sunglasses with long blonde and red hair blowing in the wind -- riding around on the back of a red scooter... yup, that would have been me.

Scooters... way hott.

I have this friend I eat lunch with pretty regularly, and today as we got ready to leave he was all, "Let's scoot."

And I was all, "Um... okay? I'll drive."

But we went outside and there was his red hotness. And he was all, "Check out my scooter. So hott, right?"

And I was all, ".... yes."

The rest is history and now I want one with a basket on the front for Indie. Who needs a 401k anyway right?

One paw in the honeypot

Came home from work today and found my man cheating on me. After my head exploded I did what any good photographer would do - I got the camera and took pictures of the dirty scoundrel double-crossing me.

If we weren't all serious about each other and living together, we'd probably be breaking up right now. But he looked at me with those eyes and what could I do but take him back?

Why it's been difficult to come up for air

I'm not ashamed to admit that this morning I finally emerged from the fog named Video Game Reality Distortion. In case you live in the real world and actually spend your time being healthy and productive, yesterday was the launch date of the Nintendo DS Lite. Because I clearly don't have enough going on, it seemed like a really good idea to get this beautiful new handheld gaming system that looks like the old DS has been getting busy with iPods ... and then convince my friends to do likewise so we can all sit around with me wirelessly kicking their asses all over MarioKart. Super Mario Bros., The Sims 2, MarioKart, and a Tetris later, and I'm officially *that person* who is 28 and spends her time in coffee houses wirelessly kicking MarioKart ASS! while young, 23 year old graduate students sip their coffee and continue in their studious attempts to make a difference in a world full of burnouts like me.

In my few hours at The Spyhouse coffee shop I may not have cured world hunger but I did learn that:

A) Peach sucks serious MarioKart DS ass. Peach is pink, so *of course* I race with her... but after getting my ass creamed by Donkey Kong, Wario, Bowser, and every other piece of testosterone flying around on the track all drunk with power I did what any smart MarioKart player does - I traded her whiney ass in for some bog-standard Yoshi hotness. \m/

B) 2 large vanilla lattes really does mean I won't get to sleep until 1:30 am.

C) Nintendo DS Lite hotness is the envy of dreary-eyed, studious graduate students parking themselves at coffeehouses and diligently working their way towards making a difference in a world full of burnouts like me.

D) Black shorts, green & black spotted leggings, and black boots work surprisingly well together.

E) I will always and forever remain the undisputed World Champion of MarioKart. Always. And forever.

Buying the DS Lite was a trip. Not only did my DS Lite grace the bottom of my basket, but I also picked up one for a friend along with 4 games. All the little 9 year old boys in the gaming isle were so-ho-ho-ho pea green with eye bulging envy. Ha ha ha pwnd bitches!!!

Excuse me, do you have a license to operate that thing?

I have this one friend, that when I'm with her all I can think on repeat is, "I need a tape recorder." Because the stuff that comes out of her mouth seriously cracks my shit up.

The other day we were walking, latte-ing, and chatting it up ... as we often do in the mornings ... but this particular morning coffee run was saucier than normal because I got to hear all about her date the previous evening.

Me: Soooo? What happened next?
Her: Well. The date was fantastic. There was sparks. There was chemistry. But.
Me: But what? WHAT?!
Her: When he reached in to kiss me it was fireworks and butterflies until I opened my mouth a little in the universal signal for a little more, and then...
Me: AND THEN WHAT?! WHAT?!
Her: And then I was tongue-assaulted. His tongue attacked mine and it quickly devolved in to Tongue Tai Bo™.
Me: Oh my. Tongue Tai Bo™?
Her: You know what I'm talking about. The swirling vortex of tongue spins?
Me: Indeed sistah. Yes indeed. I'm just so glad that I, and every 7th grade girl in the universe, finally has a name for the swirling vortex of devolved tongue-kissing. So I imagine that was the end of the date?
Her: Indeed sistah. Yes indeed.

Ha ha, Tongue Tai Bo™. Totally.

It's been so very, very long

One of my favorite things about having a blog, my blog, this summer, is that the less blogging I do the less I have any readers around to scold me for being so very, very absent. It's a selfish, swirling vortex of no writing, no guilt, and real, live human interaction in a non-technology environment.

Um, well, except for the amount of time I'm spending on the Nintendo DS Lite throwing my Queen Wins Every Race ass around the Mariokart DS track anihilating the competition.. So yeah, other than that I'm so *not* living in that parallel universie of geekydom.

Okay, and just so we're clear being at work and spending 9 hours a day PHP, AJAX, javascript, photoshop, and web-2-point-oh-no'ing it up in front of 2.8 monitors is so outside that definition as well. So-ho-ho-ho outside the definition.

Now that we've cleared up the confusion about how non-geeky I really am, a brief update on the 2 hours a day I'm functioning like a living, breathing, interacting human being...

• Work is keeping me busy. So, so busy. Someone recently commented, after meeting me for the first time, that in real life I'm actually nothing like my blog self. In the interest of demolishing all the dirty gossip going around about me and starting up all kinds of *new*, juicier gossip, I may start blogging about work stuff sometime later this summer. It's okay, I won't get fired for it. My boss has a bigger mouth than I do.
• The kitten is beyond spoiled and cute and fluffy and snugglable and hugglable and probably the cutest cat the world ever did see doing well. We've been having a little problem with playful biting, but I've started biting him back which seems to make everything alright. What can I say, I'm a biter.
• Bubble tea, why didn't anyone tell me?!! Go. Get a bubble tea fruit smoothie. Gummy tapioca compels you.
• Trusting someone *else* enough to take your photo when you're a control freak is totally fucking freaky, eventhough I do the self-portrait thing all the freagin time. That's pretty much all I'm gonna say about that issue. There may or may not be spoils posted from this venture.
• Charmed, Season 5. All I can think while watching it is, "When will they start getting Rose McGowan some acting lessons? And some clothes?"
• Cars was an entertaining flick. Hmmmm, yes. That's a good word. Entertaining.
• Here's your fun, un-sponsored, sopheava fact for today: I recently learned that I'm a "trash compactor." In today's related news, a short memo to all the men in the hizouse... telling a woman she eats like a "trash compactor" *probably* isn't gonna do the trick. A little unsolicited advice for ya there.

I've totally lost that blogging touch, so this week should be full of awkward, gangily, metal mouth teenager kinds of posts while I attempt to find my blog-legs again. And if I can't find my blog legs I'll just resort to being a potty mouth and posting half-naked photographs of myself. You know, whatev.

Lucky he still has a pillow to sleep on

Anyone interested in a free kitten? Features include, but are not limited to:

• snuggly
• soft / fluffy
• charming
• communicative
• comes with kitty condo, over a dozen mousies, one stuffed duck, one kitty sill, and everything else you need to get started as a new pet owner
• built-in alarm system sure to get you up at any hour
• attractive carrying purse, with embroidered pink stitching on the side

And at no extra cost you'll get a large, broken mirror 7 years bad luck thrown in 100% FREE!!!... because I'm just nice like that. And for a limited time only you'll also get a busted up chinese rice paper lamp attractive, asian-inspired textiles. Where else will you find such a comprehensive deal? NOWHERE, that's where!

He the little fucker may be shy at first because he's so very, very naughty and got his ass scolded all morning, but is sure to warm your heart break all your shit and empty your bank account at first sight.

Any takers?

Meowie McChatterson

To address the League of Fight For A Little Play-Dude For Indigo™ supporters for a moment, let me assure you that little Indigo Pumpkinhead Spoiledpants is doing *just* fine. And by "just fine" I mean popcorn eating, gets hours and hours of play-time with his pet humans every day, has a tricked out kitty condo and super-phat view of the city lifestyle going on up in this biznatch. He's a spoiled brat that gets everything he wants, including a soft sleeping spot on mom's neck (or tangled in her long, luxurious hair that's clearly there for the sole purpose of being his, ONLY HIS!, play-thing), exclusive rights to the title of "alpha male" (probably his most prized possesion I might add), his own website complete with more friends than I have, and the super-expensive kitty food that keeps his hair silky soft. I swear to god more time is spent grooming *his* fucking hair than my own.

And I spend a lot of time on my hair!!!

In fact, if I didn't know better the little guy would blog something today that goes like...

"Meow meow, Indie Kittenface here. Last night my humans got me a blender, which at first seemed like a great idea because I like cheese and cream and popcorn and greasy, cheesie hot dogs, and potato chips just fine. But meowwwwwww *growl*, my pet human got the idea in her head that she would prepare *squeak* healthy stuff with it. Raaaarrrrrrr healthy stuff! So to remind that strong-minded pet of mine who's really boss around the joint I attacked her pant ribbons and slept on her face. That pretty much set her straight, meow meow, meow meow meow, and she apologized with pink mousies and snuggles this morning. Purrrrr that's what I'm talking about. Oooh, bright shiny things!!! Must... pounce! Meow meow."

(I'm so *not* a cat person, honestly. I swear not to be that jerk who talks endlessly about her cat, but if you're going to insist on throwing accusations and opinions at my comments it's only fair that I get to respond. I mean really, have you *seen* how much self-control I've had over posting photos of little Spoiledpants on the photoblog? Probably the most self-control ever is all I'm sayin'.)

The little brat might get a younger sibling... but it's gonna be a few months. Mama's gotta arrange a new castle, this summer, for his spoiled pants first. He's all, "Meow meow, great view of birdies and bunnies," but I'm all, "You start carrying your weight around here financially Mister Meowieface and *then* we'll start figuring out how to get you some tail."

Good lord, this is the last time I'm blogging about my cat. He's making me look like I've lost my damn mind.

Undercover

I was way naughty this weekend and went wig shopping behind the internet and, well, everyone else's back. What can I say but it was completely out of my hands? I merely shopped on Lyn and Lake and... it just... happened. The wig store. A bright, shining beacon. Beckoning me. Tempting me. Fifteen heads of curly, straight, red, black, blonde, brown, purple, orange, and gold haired goodness later and I was walking out the door with the first in a series of my own Super Secret Undercover Assassin gear. Observe...

Of course in my mind the purchase was completely justified because, um, wait, how did that conversation go again? Something about doing a photoshoot, needing some new material for the photoblog, blah blitty blah de blah, but it was at this point in the series of mis-adventures I call My Life a huge, great cloud of distortion entered from stage left with a phonecall to save the day. Go out? Tonight? Bright shiny things? FUCK YEAH!!!

Reasons why the wig was worth it...

• The look on my friend's face when I walked in... BEFORE he realized it was me

Ha ha ha, so funny. That look alone was reason enough. I swear that sometimes all the fun I have should be against all kinds of moral and institutional rules. A girl's gotta amuse herself somehow, ya'know? Come to think of it, I should start vlogging. Oh the fun we would have... *sigh*

Princess Yoshi

You guys all know I'm a MarioKart Ho, but when it was pointed out to me that my brilliant plan to go go-karting this weekend wasn't so brilliant because, well, it's the 4th of July and even god will be en queue for a little racing time... I have to admit, I was slightly deflated.

*sigh*

It really is a burden to be so good at gaming because I'm constantly being judged by it, not to mention the embarrassment factor. I mean, making boys cry isn't one of my most favorite hobbies and I can't help it if I was just born this way. Plus trying to drum up some friends for a few laps of MarioKart goodness after I spanked them hard the first, and second, and third and fourth and fifth time we played is like running for Congress. And trust me, I'm pretty good at convincing people to do stuff. So I've found I actually have to dumb myself down a bit. You know, pretend to be a ditz and let them pass me a few times to help build up their fragile egos. So, like, does anyone else ever have this problem?

Speaking of gaming... having lunch at Aster in St. Anthony Main followed by a little MarioKart DS time is one of my favorite ways to spend lunch. I can think of other favorite ways to spend lunch, *trust me*... but that is a pretty good way too.

This weekend I'm heading out of state for a much needed mini-vacay. Will probably end up at my big brother's house on Sunday if he will ever get confirmation on the date and time back to me, but otherwise I should be out snapping photos, sleeping, driving a ridiculous amount of miles, and trespassing in the private lakes of complete strangers so I can get my swim on. If I don't get myself arrested, there will be photos.

Is it Friday yet?

Super duper

I'm pretty sure we've had that conversation around here that goes something like... If you could have any super power, what would it be? Trust me, I take my super power decision making process very seriously which is clearly why I've never been able to decide on one.

HOWEVER!, after 28 years the answer is finally clear. My super power?: the power to distribute orgasms with the blink of an eye. Yes, that's right. I would deal in the business of distributing pleasure.

Alright alright, this is the part where I acknowledge your skepticism... but hear me out. The power to fly - big deal. So you can see your friends halfway around the world or on the other side of the country in a blink. Ho hum. They're just gonna start cancelling lunch on you or talk and text on their cell phone after you've busted your superhero ass to make the big trip for them anyway. Invisibility? Come on. How would a silly power like that *really* be userful on a regular basis? Probably never, that's when.

But the power to give people orgasms... now that's what I'm talking about. Just imagine the possibilities. You're standing in the line at the grocery store and an argument breaks out between the cashier and the woman digging for 10,000 coupons. That's where Orgasma™ enters the scene and decides everyone just needs to chill the fuck out.

Instant situation defuser. Awfuckyeah.

Have a moody boss? I THINK YOU NEED A TIME OUT MISTER.

My superhero name would be Orgasma™ and I would have the cutest little superhero outfit EVER. Yes, that shall be my power.