Stock this

Being a web designer can have its perks. I work a lot with stock photography which is really great because some other punk-ass photographer gets to do all the heavy lifting for me (and we all know how much I like it when someone else does all the heavy lifting for me). All *I* have to do is sit back, munch on some Cheetos, flip through their work, and choose to my heart's content.

The only down side to this whole arrangement is that stock photography costs big bucks. I'm not ashamed to say that in *cough* many *cough* of my past projects I've had to, erm, borrow stock photography to get a piece done. Don't go judging, every designer does it at some point. It's a cruel, harsh world out there and designers gots to do what they gots to do. But in my current big-buck paying position *cough* we don't take the low road. We buy our stock photography like the big dogs and use everything legally and in harmony with the little birdies, little kittens, and the universe. This actually helps me sleep well at night, knowing the feds won't be busting down my door in the morning for borrowing someone else's photographs.

But... oh yes there's a big but here... my company budgets XXX dollars for new photos each year. This means our pool of legal photos, while not horrible, at times isn't great either. We have photos but sometimes it doesn't feel like we have enough photos to choose from. What if I need a tall, dark, and tanned man with great bulging arm muscles for a piece I'm doing, um, for... er, a vacation to Greece? Where's my photo for that? Yeah, probably not in my available pool of photographs. Still, that's why I make the big bucks *cough - is it me or is it kinda hot in here?*. I make what I have work for me.

Now. There are a few photos in our collection I wonder if I'll ever have a use for. No really. These photos kill me and some even make me laugh out loud every time I see them. To make things interesting I have made it my personal mission to see if I can ever use these, you know, tastefully.

We have...

Exhibit A: Ok, so maybe I can make this one work. Then again I work at a hospital so we'll see. However I do find it peculiar that this image came in a collection called "Series of important life events." Maybe if you're Steve and baseball is your thing then hot dogs could be considered pivotal to one's earthly existance. Otherwise I can't imagine why hot dogs are important to the lifecycle of an average human being. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Exhibit B: Last time I checked it wasn't 1986. Would you LOOK at that hair? Who's gonna buy that this photo is being useful to a piece or webpage (unless of course you're visiting the webpage for "Back To The Future"?). Wouldn't, well, pretty much any other photo of a woman be a better choice than this? Eep!

Exhibit C: This photo kills me. A couple of seniors playing... pool. Pool. Can you just imagine the thought bubbles for this one? "I'm gonna kick her *bleep*."

Exhibit D: Because obviously a bunch of colored condoms on a laundry line... um, might come in handy?

Exhibit E: I've done more than my fair share of pregnancy and birth center websites and let me just tell you that this photo was never considered in good taste. I mean, look at the froth on that beer! Who's gonna buy it.

Exhibit F: I SWEAR! to god that if I look like this on my wedding day someone better take me out back and put me out of my misery. *shudder* This photo is just WRONG! on so many levels. Next. NEXT!

Exhibit G: YES! Yes yes yes yes yes yes. DING DING DING we finally have a winner. Now THIS is the kind of picture that works on a webpage. Or a print project. Or in my bedroom. You know, whichever. *schlp!*