Show me (but this isn't an invitation for internet stalkers)

Mike over at Mike Industries recently said something that I couldn't agree more with:

Amen brother. Amen indeed. And speaking of showwwwwing things, I have something I need to get off my chest. It's not a confession or anything like that because I haven't done anything wrong (god, as if I would!). I am but an innocent by-stander caught up in the web of life's mysteries (or some shit like that).

Let's see, how shall I put this... my best friend is addicted to sending me photographs of her boyfriends' penises (best just to get right to the core of the issue, eh?). And I sooo desperately wanted to put this weird tendency of hers in to one of the characters in my novel but she made me promise I wouldn't. And not just any promise but a BEST FRIEND promise. You know, the kind that best friends make over 4 martinis, 3 shots, 4 cigarettes, and discussion of 4 ex-boyfriends. But at the end of the day I think even she feels some guilt over her alternative lifestyle choices which is why she's making me leave that part out. It doesn't actually stop her from sending them over though. A few things...

First, the guy doesn't even have to be her boyfriend. I've gotten pictures of guys she met on the internet or other random peeps from her little going-out crowd. One of her little guy friends even once said to me, "So, she told me she sent you pictures... of you know. So what did you think?" And of course I was sitting at the other end of the IM conversation almost peeing in my little panties I was laughing so hard. So I responded with, "What are you talking about?" To which he responded, "You know, my thingy."

Ah yes, nothing says "Man" more than a 33-year old using the word 'thingy'. Now that is something that's gonna make it in to my book if I get the chance to slip it in.

My point was that the guy doesn't even have to be someone she's had sex with. If she can get a picture of it, she'll go in for the kill and then send it to me later.

Second, just so we're clear I've never asked her for a single, solitary photograph. She sends them of her own volition, granted I don't do much to discourage the behavior. Every time she does it I still sit there looking at the email going, "Oh my god. Oh my god! She did it again."

Third, it would be really great if she started putting better titles in the subject portion of her email. Because, more than once I've been at work..., "La de da, OOH! A new email!" And I click away to find, um, yeah. Mr. Man all up 'n in my inbox. DESCRIPTIVE subjects please *thankyouverymuch*.

Fourth, I should mention my friend is a fellow web designer. Someone who takes the time to organize all the little fonts on her computer just so, someone who changes out all her icons, basically an extremely anal retentive person. And yet... she somehow forgets to shrink down each and every one of these photos to something that's not 5000 x 8000 pixels. For the love of god woman, I DON'T NEED TO SEE LIFE-SIZE PENISES!

Fifth, her behavior has been mostly isolated to Florida and its surrounding areas. So if you're one of the Minnesota guys crapping his pants right now that pictures of his manhood are being sent all over the internet, worry not. Unless your name is Brian in which case I HAVE actually seen yours. There was also some guy in Texas but I'm pretty sure he doesn't read my blog. And neither does Brian. I think.

Sixth, if you should stumble upon Ms. Camera unawares do know there's basically no chance in hell at ever getting any once the picture has been taken. She and I have talked through this strange phenomena over and over, and have decided it's some weird fluke of nature (totally not anything she's responsible for). She takes a picture and the relationship is over within a week (at which point you find yourself IM'ing me for a second opinion). Done. Sayonara. C-ya. NEXT!

Seventh, her camera has been broken for a little over a month and I kinda miss the random goodies she used to send over. My inbox isn't fun anymore. My inbox rides the short bus to school :(.

(PS, I should add that I in no way mean to impede on Mike's sanctity. It just so happens that I like that quote and wanted to share it today. The same day as the penis post. Sorry Mike.)