You know how some people can totally and completely surprise you out of the blue?
Yeah, well, bugs can have the same effect... especially when you're in your creative web designing zone, all jammin' out with Ella the iPod as company. And out from behind your monitor struts a big, nasty, brown body with accursed antennae all pointing in your direction. BLCH! I screeched a little, I'll admit it. The thing about bugs is that I don't so much mind them, but I don't like them appearing in places they're not supposed to appear. What's a place they're not supposed to appear? Anywhere within 30 feet of ME!!! Cuz seriously, if they try that shit their asses are toast.
Now. The thing I like even *less* than bugs appearing where they're not supposed to appear is dickhead boyfriends who stand there and LOOK at the fucking things instead of killing them. A boyfriend who doesn't quickly rid my space of bugs is in immediate threat of being A) clocked, B) thrown out the front door, and C) getting zero ass for the rest of his mortal life. Without question.
Story time.
I kid you not, in my old townhouse a huge great millipede looking thing that was almost as long as my entire hand with more legs than a millipede (obviously it had more legs if it was as long as my hand) came crawling out from behind my fireplace. AS BIG AS MY FUCKING HAND, did you get that part!!!! And you know what *cough the tourist guide cough* my boyfriend did? Like a complete dickhead... ... ... he just stood there and looked at it as I screamed for him to do SOMETHING and did my trying-not-to-soil-myself-dance in the kitchen.
You know what happened about 10 seconds later? Do you? DO YOU?!!!
It ran off.
Then I clocked said dickhead boyfriend over the head with a frying pan for being such a dickhead, obviously.
And then I didn't sleep for the next 3 months as the nastiness of 4 inch bugs with 4 million legs procreated in my walls.
You don't *look* at bugs if they're in your home. You vehemently and quickly kill them. No questions, just death.
So today, when the nasty little box elder came crawling out from behind my monitor and I performed a quick Retract-A-Screech for the entire office, and my most favoritest co-working fellow web designer quickly and silently got up, got a tissue, and got rid of the bug... I almost threw myself in to his arms in thanks and praise.
Cuz that's why men were born with penises. So they could KILL BUGS for women.
Comments
Sadly, they're merely an indication of bug-killing ability and not very useful in the actual killing of the bug.
My particular hormone configuration just means that my shrieks will be lower in tone and won't carry as far.
I don't get it. We're supposed to kill the bugs with our penii?
I don't know about you guys but I'm not letting my penis anywhere near a bug.
I don't care WHAT you kill them with, so long as you do it quickly and effectively. Shriek if you like, just do the killing. Quickly.
I loathe bugs myself and I guarantee you if I see one anywhere in my living space OR Ryan's living space he will quickly rid it from my presence...thank goodness Ryan's is so smart ;) I'm engaged to him for that very reason...he kills bugs. *bliss*
What? It was an interesting specimen. One I had never seen in Europe or the UK before. Besides, my recollections were that I did take it out, eventually, actually.