The English Guide to Speaking British

The overwhelming response to the goodness that is swearing in British has compelled today's post. You guys are like *sponges* and I take my responsibility of passing off this highly sensitive information to you very seriously. Today you'll get the semi-inclusive guide to speaking and understanding British English. And just remember, always use your knowledge for evil, never good (feel free to contact me and I'll give you the Tourist Guide's™ email address for a good time ;).

The first step to speaking good British English ya'll is to use words like 'good' and call it 'British English'. The biggest understatement I will ever make on this blog is unfolding before your very eyes - the British hate it when you call it 'British English'. And if I had an nickel every time I received a verbal bollocking because I ruffled some chap's feathers with that concise little phrase, let's just say I'd be chillin' on my own private yacht in the middle of the polynesian islands with a stiff martini in one hand whilst directing orders to my overly-tanned man-servant, Tiki, with the other.

I mean business people.

This post could go on for the next year so I have to be a bit choosy about the words I'm sharing in today's lesson. Some of which are merely an exercise in translation, and a certain particular others which are colorful alternatives to that of your standard American lexicon. After today's lesson we'll all go out for tea, crumpets and a big piss-up on The Tourist Guide™ and Welly's tab. Because after this entry comes to a conclusion there's nothing more they'll want to do than give me a big hug in thanks for the clarity I do bestow on the North American masses with my gentle words.

Do enjoy with a nice tea.

• Cream tea: Has nothing to do with cream being in, or for that matter anywhere near, your tea. Rather that your standard black, english breakfast tea (sugar and cream *not* optional of course) is served with a side of crumpets of various shapes and flavors, whipped cream, and jelly all of which are turned neatly in to cream and jelly sandwiches.
• Biscuit: Cookie. Christ almighty the cock-ups this one word has caused.
• Cock-up: Mess up.
• Pants: Rubbish; an exclamation of annoyance or frustration. For example, "Yesterday's cricket tourney was absolute pants!"
• Cricket: This word is a complete mystery. Apparently you A) have to be male, B) have drink yourself in to the secret society of the casual Sunday "cricket players", C) are allowed in to said secret society only under the absolute certainty you've been born in the UK, and D) promise never to reveal what this word truly means. For altnerative defintions, see 'pissed' and 'bevvied'.
• Bollocks: Balls; complete nonsense.
• Bollocking: The state in which one is being verbally reprimanded.
• Pissed / Bevvied: Drunk.
• Piss-up: The term in which one describes the manner in which they got pissed. "We had a huge great piss-up after the rugby game last night, as we often do."
• Sarnie: Sandwich.
• Dressing gown: Robe.
• Nutter / Wanker: Lunatic; idiot. Usually used with the word 'complete' in front of either one. E.g., "George Double-You is a complete wanker!"
• Bloody hell: Frustration; never - in any circumstance - used in the same sentence, paragraph, page, or book as the word "Margaret".
• Knackered: Tired; worn out. Almost always used in the same breath when describing how one feels after dealing with a particular "Margaret".
• Chips: French fries. Usually soaked in vinegar for a fortnight before being injected with salt and served in newspaper with deep fried fish.
• The Bee's Knee's: Reference visual.
• Hoover: To vacuum.
• Hire out: Rent. This phrase annoys me AS MUCH AS THE BLOODY PHRASE "BORROW ME". Jesus H. Christ. You don't "hire out videos", you RENT THEM!!! Rent, rent, rent, rent, rent!
• Nuts: An exclamation of defiance or annoyance. E.g., "Nuts to you!" indeed, has nothing to do with peanuts or scrotum(s).
• Fuck all / Bugger all: Nothing. "What did you and that gorgeous bird get up to last night?" "Fuck all."
• Get stuffed: A nicer form of "fuck you"; nice enough to be used amongst children of young ages. Sort of.
• Fancy: To like, to desire.
• Tea: A mere filler word. E.g., "What shall we do? Let's have tea." "Where should we go? To tea." "Are you hungry? Yes, for some tea." "How do you feel about world peace? Tea anyone?" "Will you marry me? I think I'll just put on the tea."
• Whoopsie daisy: Often used amongst little girls with blonde ringlets or those with a clinical disease who take a steady stream of pills and have injections for their disorder.
• Sod: Too expansive to cover in merely one entry. A nicer version of 'fuck' and akin to its nasty American counterpart in that it can be used in an estimated fuckton of varieties: Sod it. Sod off. Sodding great wanker.
• Cheers: Very famous in its invocation as a 'last-word'. This is the one word we may have stolen from the British and continue to use in its original form (often whilst pissed). Also means goodbye.

Go forth and use your knowledge wisely. Cheers.