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Garnish as needed

Did someone say they needed some music to get their week going? I'm sooooooo on that. (Please save a tree and right-click, save-as)

First of all, just for Raych (and possibly Char) we have some bootie butt shakin' pop music from our favorite colony across the sea. We are all a bunch of pop music ho's, there ain't no shame.

Bootie Butt Shakin' Tune, in the key of Grrrrr

Four more tunes picked at random. Mix well and serve chilled.

Bluegrass
Sour Times
Meathook
Metal Heart

The Thought Project

This is just too cool not to share. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if everyone's Inner Monologue Sound Switch got kicked in to the "ON" position?

Yeah. Cuz, whoa.

Anyway, this guy randomly stopped people on the street (in Copenhagen and New York City) and asked them what they were thinking about *just* before he stopped them. He recorded their answers, took their pictures, and then posted the results on his website.

I just love the guy who was thinking about how he accidentally left a big box of chocolate truffles on his kitchen table, sauteeing in the sun. Which of course are were supposed to be a gift for his new boyfriend. Dood, chocolate is chocolate. I say give 'em to him anyway.

Whippet, Whippet good

Life is really cool sometimes, if for the simple fact that one day you might be driving to Ikea in a Chevy Cobalt and the next you're watching Whippet's chase a stuffed rabbit. Made particularly interesting by the fact that you really had just intended on staying home and painting your nails while watching Sex and the City re-runs. It's alllllll a big mystery! I was invited to a "Gathering of Whippets" last night, which contrary to how it sounds is not at all like a gathering of wiccans or in any way, shape, or form related to witchcraft. Or Scientology.

No no, Whippets are lovely little dogs that are basically a smaller version of the greyhound. "Poor man's racing dog", as it were. A friend of mine is literally on the verge of buying a Whippet and for the past month he's been attending these informal get-togethers around Minneapolis so he can become more familiar with the breed. My translation is a bit rough, but that means about the same as get slobbered on, catch running dogs, drool over the pretty pups, and quickly put out of mind all the other ways in which one can nest so Whippet remains center of Universe. Lucky me!, I got to tag along last night with Sophie and a 1 gig memory card.

So basically it was a bunch of local, hip and with it Whippet owners who get together and let their dogs run for fun. Good exercise for the dogs, a fun little social gathering for the parents, and a good reason for me to be kissed by multiple cute-lings within a 2-hour period. What girl would pass that up I ask of you? NOT ME!, that's for sure. My mama didn't raise no dummy. The whole setup was pretty slick - they had a decoy attached to a long cable, which on signal, was quickly dragged across the field by a motor at some 30+ mph. After that it's just basically Go Dog!, GO!

The beautiful thing about this group of people was that they really, really love their dogs. The dogs were soooo happy, soooo well cared for, and most importantly complete naturals when it came to posing for my pictures. And apparently you can't get just one Whippet, almost everyone there had 2 or more Whippets which again has nothing to do with a cult. Frankly I can't disagree with that rumor, these dogs were that friendly.

Plus one woman brought her Border Collie's. After working in a kennel and having a family full of animals I was fairly certain I wanted a Golden Retriever at some stage. Noooooow, I'm not so sure. I have completely fallen head over heels for Border Collie's, which are actually quite similar to Australian Shepards but with fluffy, furry, soft tails. And well, I've always wanted a tail.

My analysis? If you ever get invited to a Whippet running I say do it. And don't forget to bring along a nice cold drink cuz man! Ninety-something degree weather is heeeeeee-ot.

Phuntography #5) You are a superhero

Last week's episode of Phuntography went over real, real well. I got a couple emails from people fake lomo'ing their photos and must say ya'll are a bunch of overachievers. Well done chaps, well done. In case you've missed the previous episodes we've covered the following:

Phuntography 1) Clarity infusion
Phuntography 2) Saving like the big dogs
Phuntography 3) Black and white, Ow!
Phuntography 4) Make lomo your bitch

We'll take a brief break from the photoshop tutorials to discuss insider secrets. Before I get stoned let me just reiterate that these tips are intended for *any* user, not just the snobby "I have so much money I have nothing better to do than buy expensive cameras I don't know how to use and then call myself a photographer" types of pictures takers. We won't even call those people photographers. Erm, but just in case you *are* one of those people and have a spare 70-300mm Nikor lens sitting around you know how to reach me *thankssomuch*.

The last time I went home to visit my family my mom said, "My pictures are boring. I can't shoot like you do." And then she sighed the distinct sigh of a frustrated photographer who visits my website and thinks I perform ancient druidic magic. My goal here isn't to shatter that colorful illusion but only to impart a few lame b.s. secrets of the trade. Like He-Man says, "By the power of Greyskull!" Or wait, no, wrong one. He says, "I have the power." He was a smart, overachieving chap as well. Obviously. So... this is what I told my mom just before she became empowered enough to lead me around her house by the elbow and demand use of my precious Sophie.

FIRST of all, I'm anal retentive. I spend hours pushing pixels and should be called a Pixel Pusher™. Which might in fact make me your dealer. Huh huh, I like always wanted to be a dealer 'n stuff. Hours have been logged practicing and repracticing (can one repractice, I ask of you?). And while I'm an enthused amateur I still have lots to learn. Shoot to love, is my advice.

SECOND of all, my rate of success on a roll of film is about 10%. For example, take a roll of 24 pictures and I'll be happy with about 2 or 3 of the finished products. Yeah, roll those numbers around just before you drop-kick frustration.

THIRD of all... shit. I got so excited about being your dealer I forgot #3. Ah well, my point is that there is stuff to be shared. And I know how much you love fun stuff so lets get on with it, shall we?

Tip #1: Look around for light and shadows. This is nature's way of attempting to drop 5-star photos in your lap without having to stuff a $20 down her you-know-what. Do yourself a favor and forgo that extra work for the cheap & easy hits.

Tip #2: A tripod keeps things steady. Plus it allows you to take naked self-portraits and full family shots. I got this one for $12.34 on Amazon *and* it came with a carrying case. Excuse me, a FUCKING carrying case.

Tip #3: Expensive cameras don't always mean better pictures. If you've been experimenting for a while and just can't do it right you might want to check between the shutter and the neck-strap for the problem. I took this picture with a cheapie digital. Sit down and figure out what works about your camera and work with it.

Tip #4: Use the flash on bright, sunshinie days so you don't end up with face shadows This is an easy one to miss - too easy in fact, since that darn sun is all bright and shiny (oooooh, bright shiny things!).

And now for a puppy-love break *que elevator musak....*

Tip #5: Turn *OFF* the flash and see what happens. Many of my better pictures happened when I simply turned off the flash. Turn it off in the dark, turn it off in the light. Turn it all off then shake it through the night. Ba dum bum.

Tip #6: Be sneaky. Turn off the flash and go public places. Shoot from the hip, set your camera on the bar and snap off a couple, or if you have one of them new fangled expensive cameras that shoots extremely fast take 4 or 5 pictures while your subject thinks you're getting ready for the shot. The non-posing pictures often have a "real" flavor that posed pictures can't pull off. Plus people clam up if they think you're shooting them, it's probably someone's law. So play the fool and pretend you can't figure out your equipment (guys, this one should be especially easy for you to pull off) all the while taking secret squirrel shots. You may thank me later.

Tip #7: Kind of like blogging, if you're taking pictures just so you can hear everyone tell you what a fabulous photographer you are then you'll be disappointed. Find out why you enjoy taking photographs and stick with it.

Tip #8: All that shutter speed, aperture, f-stop setting mumbo jumbo sure can be confusing... so throw it all out the window and just start screwing with shit. How else will you learn? Plus when someone asks you how you got such an awesome photo you can say, "Well... it's really technical but basically I adjusted some of the more sensitive pieces of the camera." Make that your mantra, plus you won't be lying.

Tip #9: Check out the manual. Your camera probably has some cool, ultra-mod built in features that will give you cool effects at the touch of a button. And if you're anything like Le Tourist Guide™ I bet you love pushing my buttons.

Tip #10: The more pics you take, the higher your percentage of winning photos. Hot chicks love winners, so get clicking.

Tip #11: Look around. Look up and take pictures of tree's and clouds. Look down and get the street. Climb stairs, lay in a field of mysterious, hopefully non-poisonous brown things, and take pictures of other photographers. The world is your subject.

Tip #12: No fear. If needed, I will supply a cape and an unofficial superhero name for your burgeoning adventures.

I have at least 3 more episodes of Phuntography left which means we're coming down the stretch. Anyone with requests 'aught to submit them now. Peace, love, and with a big Sophie shove get shooting already.

And I shall call him... Fredrik. With a 'K'.

There really is no point to this post other than the warm fuzzies you'll get from my gratuitous sharing. So this weekend I'm going piano shopping. Not to *buy* a piano per se but to *look at*, *love on*, and generally *rub up against* pianos in a non-discriminatory, non-harrassing manner... all in preparation for the big purchase sometime later this year. I guess since I'm not actually planning to buy something this weekend it means I'm actually going piano... watching? That's right, I truly have not spent enough money this year between new glasses, contacts, a brand new car, several new cameras, a trip to Europe, and a couple of other mini-vacays. My 2005 won't be complete until I've spent more money than Steve. And Lord knows I'm trying!

When I was much, much younger I played the piano and one of my piano teacher's was named Mrs. Gillis. She was a nice old lady but as my dad stated so aptly on his blog learning from her was about as much fun as lancing a boil. He's right. She probably hated me and every other kid who came to her house because we never practiced and weren't old enough to have figured out that our mission in life was to become a concert pianist. Which truly was a coup because this was likely her only source of strength. That maybe, just maybe, one of these little brats would become her prodigy.

This person was not me.

So I took lessons for many years anyway and greatly enjoyed secretly playing "Home Sweet Home" by Motly Crue against her wishes. I learned all my scales and chords, I learned to play a bunch of pieces (but they were mostly useless boring, piano lesson shit things) and even shined for a mere moment when I won some sort of a competition and got to play in an honors recital in Steven's Point, Wisconsin. Of course I was about 12 at the time and had no idea what was going on cuz I was too busy wondering if Kyle Fisher thought I was cute. He didn't, just in case you were wondering how that turned out.

Fast forward to now. It has been a few years but I am ready to tackle the piano bitch and trust me when I say there are things I want to do to the piano that aren't suitable for the eyes of small children. So after stalking this whole piano-playing thing again for the past couple of years I've made the decision that I'm going to invest in the fruit of my musical womb. Feel free to take from that last sentence whatever you choose but there is music to be had. Oh yes, much music. Not to mention excitement - lo, the excitement!!! "Turn Back O Man" played live? Damn. Ya'll will be impressed is all I'm sayin'. Never underestimate Sophie.

Let me reiterate that first part again though... I'm *not* buying this weekend. Not buying. Not buying. Not buying. Not buying. Just looking. And thinking about financing. But not buying. Certainly not buying. But talking to them about financing surely won't hurt, right? But maybe next weekend I'll buy. Or next week. No no, next MONTH! I won't buy this weekend. Not buying god damnit!#$*&%!

This is, like, way existential

Said to me on the phone last night...

That's right, he's officially talking like me. And not just any 'he' but an ENGLISHMAN. Having a blog gives me warm fuzzies and lets me sleep sound at night, secure in the knowledge that people halfway around the world are talking like snobby Minneapolites.

The force is strong with this one :).

Someone give me my crown

Yesterday I did a good deed and helped a Girl Scout get a badge. That's right, I'm grown-up enough to be of a good influence to the younger generation of female good-deed-do'ers everywhere. Just think of all the good I'm putting out in to this world... *aaaahhhh*. And in 15 years they'll all have blogs and talk J.U.S.T. like me. Mothers sleep sound tonight with that knowledge tucked safely in.

Let me just add that it's a good thing the Girl Scout Association doesn't look up the source of their innocent members' quest in badge goodness, because if they saw how much I used the word f@ck! on just this one page I'd probably get a good bollocking. Until of course I banned the uptight, anal prick who thinks young women shouldn't think outside the box from my website. Because they probably wouldn't have looked at all the sophisticated ways once can essentially use the word f@ck! in a positive, intelligent, reinforcing manner to perfectly describe a noun. Mmm hmm, I'm the walking, talking, incarnation of sophistication people.

Being a positive role model is all cool 'n stuff.

The English Guide to Speaking British

The overwhelming response to the goodness that is swearing in British has compelled today's post. You guys are like *sponges* and I take my responsibility of passing off this highly sensitive information to you very seriously. Today you'll get the semi-inclusive guide to speaking and understanding British English. And just remember, always use your knowledge for evil, never good (feel free to contact me and I'll give you the Tourist Guide's™ email address for a good time ;).

The first step to speaking good British English ya'll is to use words like 'good' and call it 'British English'. The biggest understatement I will ever make on this blog is unfolding before your very eyes - the British hate it when you call it 'British English'. And if I had an nickel every time I received a verbal bollocking because I ruffled some chap's feathers with that concise little phrase, let's just say I'd be chillin' on my own private yacht in the middle of the polynesian islands with a stiff martini in one hand whilst directing orders to my overly-tanned man-servant, Tiki, with the other.

I mean business people.

This post could go on for the next year so I have to be a bit choosy about the words I'm sharing in today's lesson. Some of which are merely an exercise in translation, and a certain particular others which are colorful alternatives to that of your standard American lexicon. After today's lesson we'll all go out for tea, crumpets and a big piss-up on The Tourist Guide™ and Welly's tab. Because after this entry comes to a conclusion there's nothing more they'll want to do than give me a big hug in thanks for the clarity I do bestow on the North American masses with my gentle words.

Do enjoy with a nice tea.

• Cream tea: Has nothing to do with cream being in, or for that matter anywhere near, your tea. Rather that your standard black, english breakfast tea (sugar and cream *not* optional of course) is served with a side of crumpets of various shapes and flavors, whipped cream, and jelly all of which are turned neatly in to cream and jelly sandwiches.
• Biscuit: Cookie. Christ almighty the cock-ups this one word has caused.
• Cock-up: Mess up.
• Pants: Rubbish; an exclamation of annoyance or frustration. For example, "Yesterday's cricket tourney was absolute pants!"
• Cricket: This word is a complete mystery. Apparently you A) have to be male, B) have drink yourself in to the secret society of the casual Sunday "cricket players", C) are allowed in to said secret society only under the absolute certainty you've been born in the UK, and D) promise never to reveal what this word truly means. For altnerative defintions, see 'pissed' and 'bevvied'.
• Bollocks: Balls; complete nonsense.
• Bollocking: The state in which one is being verbally reprimanded.
• Pissed / Bevvied: Drunk.
• Piss-up: The term in which one describes the manner in which they got pissed. "We had a huge great piss-up after the rugby game last night, as we often do."
• Sarnie: Sandwich.
• Dressing gown: Robe.
• Nutter / Wanker: Lunatic; idiot. Usually used with the word 'complete' in front of either one. E.g., "George Double-You is a complete wanker!"
• Bloody hell: Frustration; never - in any circumstance - used in the same sentence, paragraph, page, or book as the word "Margaret".
• Knackered: Tired; worn out. Almost always used in the same breath when describing how one feels after dealing with a particular "Margaret".
• Chips: French fries. Usually soaked in vinegar for a fortnight before being injected with salt and served in newspaper with deep fried fish.
• The Bee's Knee's: Reference visual.
• Hoover: To vacuum.
• Hire out: Rent. This phrase annoys me AS MUCH AS THE BLOODY PHRASE "BORROW ME". Jesus H. Christ. You don't "hire out videos", you RENT THEM!!! Rent, rent, rent, rent, rent!
• Nuts: An exclamation of defiance or annoyance. E.g., "Nuts to you!" indeed, has nothing to do with peanuts or scrotum(s).
• Fuck all / Bugger all: Nothing. "What did you and that gorgeous bird get up to last night?" "Fuck all."
• Get stuffed: A nicer form of "fuck you"; nice enough to be used amongst children of young ages. Sort of.
• Fancy: To like, to desire.
• Tea: A mere filler word. E.g., "What shall we do? Let's have tea." "Where should we go? To tea." "Are you hungry? Yes, for some tea." "How do you feel about world peace? Tea anyone?" "Will you marry me? I think I'll just put on the tea."
• Whoopsie daisy: Often used amongst little girls with blonde ringlets or those with a clinical disease who take a steady stream of pills and have injections for their disorder.
• Sod: Too expansive to cover in merely one entry. A nicer version of 'fuck' and akin to its nasty American counterpart in that it can be used in an estimated fuckton of varieties: Sod it. Sod off. Sodding great wanker.
• Cheers: Very famous in its invocation as a 'last-word'. This is the one word we may have stolen from the British and continue to use in its original form (often whilst pissed). Also means goodbye.

Go forth and use your knowledge wisely. Cheers.

The episode in which my cherry is taken by a cop

I just love hanging out with Steve if only for the very minor fact that I get to do things I wouldn't normally do. Like... give a random lucky squirrel the opportunity to eat 2 whole sticks of butter, trek to St. Paul outside its hours of normal operation (no one told me that at 5:30 St. Paul completely SHUTS DOWN unless you're drunk and/or crazy... or from Minneapolis as it turns out), eat myself in to a bacon-greased-induced coma, have an incident with a cop, or have almost ALL those things happen to you on the same night. Which of course was last night, but you'll have to substitute squirrel-porn for the squirrel-butter incident and then we'll be right as rain.

Steve bought a new car 10 days ago - "Stella", as he's named her (because she's Bella's cousin). Stella is officially the deepest relationship Steve has had with a woman in the past 2 years, so when it came to deciding who was going to drive to St. Paul for our little photo outing yesterday the obvious choice was Steve (but only because his DUI and 6 tickets have only recently been wiped clean off his driving record). Plus he promised to stay mostly sober for this trip - you know, to reduce the shake on his pictures.

Off we went.

Just as we're skirting St. Paul he pulls up next to a University of Minnesota rent-a-cop. Blah blah blah, we're talking and I'm mostly contemplating all the ways in which I can take this butch-chic-cop's picture without being hauled off to court and becoming somebody's bitch - all to a rather anti-climatic end because I'm a big pussy and couldn't bring myself to do it.

The light turns, off we go, and about 3 minutes later we're getting pulled over. HOLY SHIT WE'RE GETTING PULLED OVER, which for me is almost the equivalent of finding out I won the lottery. Only... not the good lottery, the bad rent-a-cop lottery in which I'm not allowed to document Steve being a dick to a University cop on University Avenue *sigh*. To make things even more interesting I, Margaret Andrews, have *never* been pulled over by a cop. Never. Ever. As in, in my ENTIRE LIFE! I know, right?

So (cutting to the chase now) there you basically have the climax of my lame, Wednesday night story. Steve shepherded me right in to my first experience with a real, live traffic cop all thanks to his mostly sober attention to detail. He got to be a dick. I got a picture of the cop in his rear-view mirror. AND I got to be witness to his getting a ticket within the first 10 days of owning a new car.

It's an exciting life I lead, truly.

You'll see some pictures from our outing over on Lumiere over the next couple of weeks, per normal (only all the photos from last night will be tagged with words "St. Paul" in a way that could only come from someone who loves on Minneapolis and not so much St. Paul).

Everything has a story

Yesterday I helped a friend by doing her a personal favor. See, the thing about what I do... design, photography, web development, etc... is that it's highly specialized. Lots of people have highly specialized jobs and everyone fine tunes their skills in a manner which best fits what they're trying to achieve. Me? - I'm not an entrepreneur. I get far more satisfaction out of donating my photographs or implementing a gratis design for someone whose head pops off in excitement than I do getting paid for a project that's no fun and comes to a rather anti-climatic end. Personal preference 'n all that (plus I'm unabashedly selfish and only do the fun stuff). So when said friend came to me yesterday and asked for this favor, of course I took care of it right away. It was easy to do, but more importantly, it was important to her.

Imagine my surprise when an unexpected gift certificate landed in my inbox last night. In the midst of her busy life she took the time to thank me for something I was happy to do. That was classy. And very cool for so many reasons, one of which means I get got to spend someone *else's* money on amazon.com. Fucking-A man, Fucking-A.

There I was, sitting in my pj's, mentally shifting through all the ways in which I could spend my loot (which will truly go down as one of the happiest moments I had this year... aahhhhhh). For a mere moment there was reflection on something my dad taught me, which basically stated that when you get free money, do something fun. I *sooooooo* made my dad proud. Last night night was the night I finally bought this book, a book I have been coveting for 6 years. Six. Whole. Years.

The book is called "Women" and Annie Leibovitz is the photographer. While I wasn't an "artsy type" when this book came out, it really struck a chord when I started seeing the photos. Quite literally I was at Barnes and Noble the next week to drool over the goodness that are these pictures. I had just returned from living in Europe, still wearing dark everything, and was acutely sensitive to all the unique ways in which people are beautiful. All people. From every country, speaking every language, and wearing any clothes. People are just .... so cool .... and this book captures a slice of that perfection. This picture of Gwyneth Paltrow and her mother Blythe Danner, featured in the book of course, is one of those pictures I wish I had taken. Lovely. So lovely. I believe what her mom later said about this photo shoot was that this was the first time she had held her daughter since she was a small girl. *Tear*.

Man I'm a huge sap today.

The question to you is... if you were on the receiving end of free money what would you do with it? What do you keep tucked away, a something you have always wanted but never achieved / acquired? Please... do think and tell in the comments below.

It's Friday... I figured you guys could use some music. Right click, save-as, and enjoy whilst telling me all the ways in which you'd do something for yourself with a generous helping of opportunity.

• Paradise
• Destiny
• Policy Of Truth
• Gold
• Square One

Live Out Loud.

Man have I been a slacker or WHAT! I used to give you 2 to 3 new designs per month and lately I've joined the ranks of those snobby "I don't *do* redesigns" designers.

It's just laziness, honestly.

Oh right, and well, I really enjoyed the last design for a change. This time you're getting something lean, clean, and colorful... even if it's only one color you'll be seeing at a time. One color plus pink which just goes without saying of course. Keep your eyes peeled over the next week... I won't let you get bored.

Phuntography #6) Afterglow.

If you haven't heard of Dooce then you've obviously been living in a parallel universe without food, water, or the internet. Heather (Dooce) is well known amongst the blogging community for her mouthy contributions to the world at large. She's so well known, in fact, that her employers came in to the know of her 'contributions' and promptly fired her for the things she wrote on her personal site. Let this be a lesson to never, ever to blog about work or your co-workers. Unless you want 55,000 hits per day. Then, you know, it's okay.

I digress. Heather posts pictures, lots and lots of pictures (thankfully none of poop), on her site and started fielding a lot of questions about how she achieved the cool "glowie" effect. Was it camera? Was it Photoshop? WAS IT MADNESS, I MEAN MAGIC?! Indeed, it's madness Photoshop and a lovely little technique that can give *your* photographs a nice, luminous effect. She calls is the "Dooce effect", I call it the "Afterglow". After all, who doesn't like afterglow? Check out some of my examples here, here, and here if you're in the mood to be convinced. After all, convincing is one of my specialties *battes eyes*.

Chill and serve with a nice stiff drink. Everything gets a little easier with a martini in hand anyway.

Step 1: After opening your photo in Photoshop, click on "Layer" and then "Duplicate Layer..." to duplicate your image.

Step 2: Select the new layer on your layer palette (should be the one on top) and click on "Filter", "Blur", and then "Gaussian Blur".

Step 3: Generally speaking, set the radius on anything from 1.0 to 4.0 (for the example below I used 3.0). The higher the number the more glow you'll achieve.

Step 4: Set the blend mode for the layer to "Multiply" or "Overlay". I'm giving you choices here so try both (and a few other while you're at it) to see how they look.

Step 5: No matter which blend mode you choose the coloring will be completely messed after you apply it. This is where you adjust the Levels and Curves to bring the image back in to the land of the living. One way to do this is by clicking on "Layer", "New Adjustment Layer" and then add in Levels or Curves respectably. I've been asked before why I don't just alter the layer I'm working with directly. The reason I like adding adjustment layers is they alter the picture without actually ALTERING the picture. This method gives me the option of going back in and tweaking the levels or curves if I decide that they just didn't work the way I wanted them to. In a world where I enjoy being bossy, I enjoy making things my bitch, even if it's a couple of layers in photoshop.

Whoala. Your picture has achieved a state of zen afterglow.

See? Minnesota *is* beautiful

So, this was my day today:

Our Marketing department had a nice little boat cruise on Lake Minnetonka. Sadly, this is probably the most sun I'll see all summer but my fair skin thanks me in kind.

I'll just be in my happy place if anyone needs me.

The end of a short-lived era

Yeah, you know what? I've changed my mind about this design. I'm really not loving it and miss my old design(s). There's going to be some serious revisitation to this whole concept and an attempt to see what else I can pull off. But for now the whole thing makes me want to vomit yawn in boredom. *yawn* See?

In other news, the artwork of Vincent Nguyen is doing a good job of pulling me out of this funked out mood I've all gone and stepped in. I saw a few of his pieces from an upcoming children's book called "Louis and the Dodo" and promptly taped them up behind my monitor. If he's just not fabulous enough check out the inclusion of He-Man in the little tea-party sketch on his home page. Kick ass man, kick ass.

Ah yes, this is the official point where I realize I have nothing to say and will hang my head in design shame --- and total realization that even Vincent's kick ass He-Man illustrations aren't apology enough. Be back soon with something much more spectacular. Promise.

"Does this dust jacket come in denim?"

You know how sometimes you read something... you tilt your head to one side... and you say, "Gah damn." Yeah well that happened to me yesterday when I read that the former Spice Girl singer Victoria Beckham recently confessed to never having a read a book. As in, in her ENTIRE LIFE. Which of course she confessed during an interview for the 'biography' she recently "penned."

Cuz we all know you can't write a 'biography' until your life is over.

Congratulations Victoria. You're a class act all the way. Whew, now I feel better about myself. Thanks for turning my funky day in to something special.

Reincarnation

Ah yes, this is much nicer. There's pink, there's light blue, there's flowers, annnnnnnnnd I'm in my happy place.

Série noire

Thank gahd it's Friday. It certainly feels like my list of things to-do has recently exploded and I am *very* much looking forward to knocking a few of those items off this weekend. This explosion of course has nothing to do with the recent state of design-crisis and more to do with... ok yes. My head has been completely submerged in CSS and pink. But really, if you could have your head submerged anywhere wouldn't it be in CSS and pink? Well OF COURSE it would!

On the agenda:

• Vacuum the sprinkly vanilla-scented stuff on the carpet. I just ♥ how my apartment smells after it's been recently vanillatacked.
• Love on Arnold Vosloo who you might recognize (but only after he takes off all his clothes) from the movie The Mummy. Cuz god damn.
• Shoot some photos for Wellington. The setting for his photo-needery is very film noir a la Paris circa 1930. It needs to be sexy, it needs to be dark, and it needs to be delicious. Artistic and dramatic. So here's what I'm thinking - I'll need a subject (aka, me) clad in dark, textured clothes. Possibly velvet, lace... maybe a little revealing in the backside? The subject will need to be in front of a window, looking pensive, and turning their head in awareness, toward the camera, as if someone has just walked in the room. If I can pull off smoke, as in, cigarette smoke, how fucking KICK ASS would that be?! I open the floor to other ideas if you guys have them. What is the visual manifestation of artistic, sensual, and very film noir a la Paris circa 1930? Please! Send help!!!, but no pressure of course.
• Go grocery shopping. My refrigerator is pathetic.
• Shoot 4 lovely puppies provided the weather cooperates. Yeah, not looking so much like it will.
• The laundry in my closet is starting to make growling sounds. You know, like the kind of sounds a monster makes before it ATTACKS YOU WITH ITS HUGE !FANGS! AND SNARLY TEETH!
• Investigate all the ways in which I can get The Tourist Guide™ to send me the new Mint Royale CD. Cuz damn it looks kick ass. And, well, I deserve it.
• Talk to my best friend if she can pull her head out of relationship's ass long enough to communicate with the land of the living! I know I don't have a penis but I'm really funny and pretty nice to look at as well. Call me?
• Sleep. I'm all tired 'n stuff but can rest easy with pink in my life. Finally.

I'll need extra, extra film for this one

Hole E. Shit. I got free baseball tickets today! And REALLY, REALLY GOOD ONES!!! This week didn't start out so great but then I had a good design, got a free burrito, and then got almost a hundred buckeroonies in free baseball tickets. Am I like the luckiest person or WHAT?!

So this means that on Sunday I'll be watching the Minnesota Twins take on the Seattle Mariners at the Metrodome, which is only a short walk from my house. I guess Steve will be coming with me cuz if I took one of my no-baseball-having girlfriends along he'd probably never speak to me again. Thank GOD the Yankees aren't playing or I'd certainly be stocking up on protective gear. Self-control isn't really his thing when it comes to the Yankees. Kind of reminds me of that time I drew the artwork for a button and won New Kids on the Block tickets. Yessssss, really. And my verrrry best friend in the whole wide world, Shea, loved New Kids On The Block so much she had their pictures plastered over her walls. And pillows with Joey McIntyre's face on them that she used to kiss every night and every morning (WELL SHE DID!). We were blood sisters and I'm pretty sure that there's a legal loophole allowing blood-sister-homicide upon sale of The Most Coveted Tickets in All The Land™. This is a chance I wasn't willing to take and is likely the reason I'm here to spin this tale.

Aaaaaanyway, back to baseball. This means hot dogs. Lots and lots of stadium dogs. And I've never had baseball stuff - don't you think I'd look cute in a baseball hat? Or maybe a baseball t-shirt. But I don't wear t-shirts so maybe that's not such a good idea. Come to think of it, I don't really wear hats either unless they're super-styling and kinda european looking. If the Minnesota Twins made one of those hats I'd be all over that shit. And if those hats were pink? Lord Jesus hold me back.

Steve says they're really good tickets which only matters to me cuz I don't want to squint whilst looking at the hotties in tight pants. And my pictures will be all life-size 'n stuff.

What will you guys give me if I can get an autograph anywhere on any-thing?

All American Sophie

It doesn't matter what my brother said about the Metrodome, he's just jealous cuz I got to see the Minnesota Twins play baseball yesterday and HE DIDN'T. I also had a gynormous hot dog which tasted JUST the way a baseball hot dog should taste. Not so much the potato chips that came with it, so in the future I suggest serving a miniature hot dog as a garnish. Why ruin a good hot dog with chips I ask of you?

Obeserve...

Here's Steve looking like he needs a shave and me in my *brand spanking new* baseball hat. I've never had my own baseball hat before, and while they did sell a pink version of this I couldn't bring myself to spend the dough on something that's not guaranteed to match my outfits 100% of the time. Coordination is very, very important when making a decision of this magnitude people. Alas, this picture is proof that A) I can wear baseball hats, B) I attend baseball games, C) I always, always take good pictures of Steve, and D) I can be sporty.

This is the 7-month old daughter of my co-worker Jen, all biting on my style 'n shit. Right after Janie-The-Biter stole my hat she promptly sneezed all over my exposed skin. Which in the end turned out to be ok cuz I just wiped it all over Steve anyway.

Fifteen minutes before gametime this was my view. I mean seriously, it's a Law of Physics that the tallest, widest man has to sit right in front of me. ME! Turns out the guy wasn't only tall and wide, but he wasn't too bright either. One minute before gametime the *real* owner of those seats showed up and he moved over to his spot. Suck on that, beyotch.

This is Seattle Mariner Richie Sexson and he was a bit of alright. Ladies, do I follow through or WHAT?! Yeah, it didn't so much matter he was on the opposing team or that I couldn't get a face shot. THIS, this is all that mattered and made my day worthwhile. Thank you, Richie. Thank you.

This post is affectionately dedicated to my brother Chris

I can't believe I used the word costed today. Yes I really, really did that, but in my own defense I was extremely tired at the time and at least my name doesn't end in "Spears" or "Beckham".

I might be from Wisconsin but at least I didn't say:

• nucular
• supposably
• borrow-me
• irregardless
• orientate
• boughten
• or the word seen as in "I seen it"

Aren't we missing the bigger picture here? I was able to correctly identify a backhoe *AND* use the word in a sentence! Come on!! How many women British people knew that was a backhoe? That has to count for something, right?

More word play

I have an addition to our running list of Midwestern word goodness.

Authentification.

It's real, real hard to be serious when someone keeps saying "authentificate" over and over and over...

I move that we keep this word, cuz a little funny here and there doesn't have to be such a bad thing. And it makes me giggle every time I say it out loud.

Kind of like when I remember how The Tourist Guide™ told me over lunch that he's "not bitch enough" to pull off an American accent. He had a scarce microsecond to inject an apologetic, "BUTCH! BUTCH! I MEANT BUTCH! Shit." before I completely errupted in a hysterical fit of laughter.

That one made me laugh all the way through my afternoon meeting. Ahhhh, my Tourist Bitch™.

Phuntography #7) Curve, dodge, burn, and finish with a running man

Lethargy is cramping today's Phuntography™ style so you're gonna get 2½ quick-hit tips. After today there's only one more episode left and then I'll have to start taking off my clothes or something to keep you guys coming back to my site. Don't think I'll tell you what the last episode is for even a second.... erm, although I'm sure you're bright enough to figure it out if you can imagine what a well-balanced series looks like in the world of an Anal-Rententive Libran Woman.

Quick recap (which contrary to popular rumor will not be released on a special-edition DVD in upcoming months):

1) Clarity Infusion, Serve Chilled
2) Saving Like the Big Dogs
3) Black and White Aversion Diversion
4) Make Lomo Your Bitch
5) You are a Superhero
6) Afterglow

Quick Hit #1: White Balance

I love this trick and use it all the time. To keep things neat and clean I won't give you any guidelines on the when, where, and how to use this tip because, like sex, you should do it as often as possible. Basically it's quick and easy color correction, even when photos seem like they're ok. Go on, just do it. And if anyone asks questions just tell them your Madame said it was okay.

Step 1) Create a new Curves layer (Layer >> New Adjustment Layer... >> Curves...).

Step 2) Click on the 'Set White Point' eyedropper tool.

Step 3) Find the whitest spot you can on your picture and click it with your tool to set your white balance reference point. In the example below, I used the dad's white t-shirt as my reference point.

And whoala, your picture is color corrected like magic!

Quick Hit #2: Color burn

True, you can accomplish a similar effect with hue/saturation, contrast, levels, and curves, but this is my blog and I'll burn if I want to. This particular trick is useful when you want to emphasize only one part (or multiple, separated parts) of the image and want to increase the "dramatic factor" of colors. A few examples are sky, water, flowers, and a million other things I'll let your busy minds get up to. How do you do this neat and simple trick you ask? Wait no longer!

Step 1) Click on the Burn Tool.

Step 2) Play around with the settings a bit. In the example below I set the range to "Midtones" and the brush size to "100".

Step 3) "Draw" over the area(s) you want to 'burn' one or many times. Finish with a lollipop to sweeten the experience.

Am I the funnest teacher or WHAT?!

Quick Hit #2½: Color dodge

This is similar to color burn only it does the opposite effect. Instead of "dramatizing" your colors it'll basically desaturate the areas you draw over. Follow all the steps listed above only choose the "Color Dodge" tool instead of the burn tool and you're officially a pro. Well not as much of a pro as *me*, but you'll still be one of the mostly cool kids.

After the overwhelming response to the last few episodes of Phuntography™, all future marriage proposals should be clearly stated as such in the description of your email. You know, so I know how to sort out the crazies from Arnold Vosloo writing to inform me of his impending visit to Minneapolis.

... plus there will be lots of booze tonight.

Friday's random nibbly things (if I had a picture of a cute dog this is where I'd insert it).

Random Nibbly Thing #1) I You probably wanted this week's obsession with funky words to die after the first post, but here I am, again, venting CUZ IF I HAVE TO LISTEN TO ONE MORE PERSON IN MINNEAPOLIS BUTCHER THIS WORD I'M GONNA GO POSTAL!!!! I haaaaate it when people mispronounce the word "chipotle". It's not chi-pole-tay motherfuckers, it's CHI. POTE. LAY. CHIPOTLE CHIPOTLE CHIPOTLE. T before L!!!!!!!! For Christ's sake will everyone please get this one right? Cuz I'd rather not have a parole officer by the time I'm 30 if it's all the same.

Random Nibbly Thing #2) I need postcards for Le Secrette Project. So today over lunch I decided to stop at the Factory Card Outlet to pick up some postcard goodness... but guess what. The Factory Card Outlet sells Hallmark Cards and every other type of greeting card, not to mention candles, chairs, bags, wrapping paper, dolls, miniature knick knacks that reek of old woman, and anything else smothered in copious amounts of 1960's TACKY... but nooooooo! Not a single, god damned postcard. So I guess this weekend I'll have to go to the next logical place for postcards... the State Fair.

Random Nibbly Thing #3) On Sunday I'm going to my first ever Minnesota State Fair. Isn't that exciting?! I had a little talk with Joe earlier this week in which it became very clear that not only will it be my mission to take a picture of every food-on-a-stick sign I can find (I'll make sure I get pictures of the spaghetti-and-meatballs on-a-stick too cuz I just don't understand how that whole thing is gonna work) but if there is a giant lollipop to be purchased I will be the one doing the purchasing. Because you know what? For my *entire life* I've wanted a giant lollipop - you know, the big spiral wrapped ones that are usually multi-colored and as big as your head - but never got to have one. *tear* If they have ponies and golden geese I'll also be sweet talking my way in to acquiring one of each cuz I WANT THEM AND I WANT THEM NOW!

Random Nibbly Thing #4) A moment of silence for the sad, sad departure of Le Serial Cynica. Acting as her publicist I'm here to announce she will not be renewing her domain and the world will, officially, be one picture short of table-dancing goodness. Goodbye Le Serial Cynica, oops, now I have to call you by your real name Keira. You will be missed. *sniff*

Random Nibbly Thing #5) In happier news, in 9 days I will *officially* be a paid photographer! As in, a real live photographer 'n stuff! Last week I took a bunch of pictures of my co-workers getting sunburnt on a boat cruise, but they turned out so well (the pictures, not the sunburns nyuk nyuk) that one co-worker in particular has commissioned me to shoot her son's 1-year birthday party a week from Sunday. I mean, how sweet of a deal is this? I'm going to get *paid* to photograph the easiest thing on the planet to photograph - babies - AND I'll get free cake! And let me just say, that this particular co-worker has extreme tendencies in the direction of Fabulous Taste so I expect the cake to be topped off with real frosting and none of that cool-whipped shit. SCORE!

Fair pictures to come next week. Happy Friday!

The MN State Fair owes me a snog and a lollipop

I'm happy to report that the Minnesota State Fair has *not* killed me and my heart still appears to be in perfect working order, which is only relevant since I'm probably going back sometime early this week in an effort to push myself to the limits. There was much rejoicing last night as I examined my booty which included photographs, souvenirs, presents, artwork of my own creation, more photographs, postcards, and 2 bruised toes. There wasn't so much rejoicing when I realized how much money I spent but the deep fried vegetables sure seemed worth it at the time.

Many thanks to BFF Shea who hooked me up only the way someone who's penning "Shea's Illustrated Guide to Free Stuff at the Minnesota State Fair, for Minnesotans" possibly could. I am now full of information and invite all my readers to bribe me for this sensitive data in the form of greasy fair food. Or rides. I like me some fair rides too, but certainly not after a greasy fair food consumption fest.

This was the beginning of the greasy food fest. Cheese Curds are quite the popular attraction and in addition to learning that people really only go to the fair for the food, I also learned there's different levels of MN State Fair Cheese Curd goodness. Not content settling for anything less than the creme de la creme of deep fried cheese, I demanded Shea bring me to the best spot on the grounds at once! She did where I immediately went in to a state of Project: Hasty Demolish. No less than 3 minutes later the curds in this picture vanished. Like magic.

While we're on the subject of food, the hot ticket around town is the discussion of the latest and greatest addition to the "Food on a Stick" fair food genre: Spaghetti and Meatballs on a Stick. Let me just tell you that this was the biggest load of crap I have ever seen and only would have been made perfect if they pitched this shit in a campaign with George W. Bush holding the crap on a stick complete with a bubble over his head saying, "Das good." As you can see from the picture, there is nothing "spaghetti" about this food on a stick because what you actually got was a big pile of meatball mush. "The spaghetti's in there, if you look closely you can see it," was what they said. Meatball LIES!, I tell you!!! Save your $4 bucks (yes, that disgusting mush cost $4 meatball bucks) and spend it on something more reliable like the deep fried vegetables.

I wasn't kidding when I said that Shea's the queen of State Fair Free Stuff. That chic knows all the hot spots... except for how to get a Free Snog from Arnold Vosloo (there was much disappointment having about this last bit). Mostly, I stood back and watched Shea in her natural, free stuff acquiring habitat as she went deep in the crowds and emerged victorious ... with such mysterious and ellusive prizes as... scotch tape. That game stopped being fun after the tape dispenser cut her whilst she dug for money to pay for the Fried Pickles. Don't stand between the girl and her deep fried pickles is all I'm sayin' cuz the bitch has fangs.

What fair is complete without visiting the animals? I decided to name this friendly horse "Lollipop" because this was the closest I got to licking *anything* yesterday. Sadly, not even the State Fair sells giant, multicolored lollipops as big as your head and my childhood quest for the perfect lollipop goes on. In my misery we visited the horse stalls and Lollipop was the friendliest of the snobby bunch. He stuck his head over the stable door to say hello so we could have our special moment. He wasn't so much interested in anyone else, probably cuz they didn't name him anything cool like Lollipop. If possible I will be acquiring him when I return to the fair, cuz you know what? Gas prices are getting up there and riding a horse to work will be much cooler than driving around in a sporty black coupe. Plus I'll get to braid its hair and paint its hooves pink.

A man and his European Man Purse

Steve is such a huge geek, which is of course the main reason why we're friends. Cuz we speak each other's language. Between computer stuff, video games (I'm sorry but consoles are getting *way* out of hand), our websites, and anything related to photography our conversations must sound like the snobby downtown Minneapolis equivalent to a freaky Trekkie convention sideshow (but you know, without any costumes... unless you consider that getup I wore on New Year's a costume).

"Yes, but the composition on that last shot was all off."

"Try feathering an s-curve in to the post process cycle."

"But don't you see? Yes I could manipulate the curves to achieve a suitable tonality but the error, THE ERROR, IT'S IN THE COMPOSITION! I need to rethink the framing process because it's not organic and the grain is just... just... just so passe. The whole body of work is starting to make me look like a photoblogger from 2003."

"I see your dilemma."

He complains, well, a lot but lately he's been particularly complaining about not having anything to write on his website. So I'm all, "Psst." And he's all, "Bark bark." And I'm all, "I went through all that trouble of redesigning your website, POST SOMETHING!" And he's all, "I'm bored." And I'm all, "Dood, you're a bloody writer." And he's all, "I'm dried up." And I'm all, "You wrote a fucking novel in less than 30 days." And he's all, "Whatev." And I'm all, "Totally." And he's all, "I gotta go, the Simpsons are on." And I'm all, "But you watch them on DVD." And he's all, "Totally." And I'm all, "Later."

It's truly amazing how many times you can have that conversation without it getting old.

What follows is a story I've been trying to get him to post on his website for months, but I think the usual "Ignore Margaret" habit is stronger and more powerful than his willpower to write much of anything. Alas, the story remained untold.

Until now.

Cuz *I* need something to post today.

Ah hem. So this one day Steve is walking around in Downtown Minneaplis, as one often does when one lives there. So he's walking and listening to probably to some punk shit on his iPod at a ridiculously loud volume when he approaches a crosswalk. Just as he gets to the curb the light is changing to yellow. However, let me just tell you that when you live in downtown Minneapolis you know eeeeeeeeexactly how long the yellows on each block last, and he knew there was *more* than enough time to cross, pat a baby on its head, and help an old lady with her groceries. It was just then that an angry suburbanite (probably on his way to pick up a screaming kid) decided that he needed to turn right RIGHT NOW!!!! NOT IN 5 SECONDS BUT NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW! He didn't run Steve over but there was certainly some effort involved in getting as close as possible. And honestly who can blame him? Steve probably took off his shirt in a bar and insulted him on the subjects of religion, politics, and the Yankees to his face. But on this day, at this intersection, Steve won his battle and victoriously crossed the street in one piece, still listening to his punk music at a ridiculously loud volume I might add.

That's when he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. The suburbanite pulled up next to him and was *attempting to, but failing with a grandeur equal to that of hot air being let out of someone's gynormous suburbanite head* cuss Steve out. For crossing the street. When he had the right of way.

This is where the story gets a little fuzzy for me (I'm sorry but his stories are really really long and it's hard for me to pay attention!). Someone flipped someone off. There was more cussing. More walking and slow driving... but then it happened. Steve casually flipped open the top of his European Man Purse, pulled out his camera, and aimed it right at the fucker. What followed was a puff of smoke, Steve twirling his long, handlebar mustache, and silently quipping, "Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha" before riding his trusty horse Pacer off in to the sunset as he watched the assailant screech off to his suburban day-care.

If that's not the most fabulous reason to carry a camera around I just can't think of anything else. You go Steve! But in the future, you might want to think about renaming your horse, you know, to something much cooler like... Lollipop.