Door #1 or Doorframe #2?

14 June 2005

In case you don't want to listen to me go on about the stitches in my back, I recommend you reading me here. Steve's away, and well, I GET TO PLAY! Now, on to the stitching...

Yesterday I went to the doctor and had my back stitched up a bit. I'll spare you the gorey details, but I didn't think anything of the whole procedure until after it was completed. And by the way the conversation with my doctor went, neither did he.

Doctor: Alright, now make sure you point your favorite antiseptic(al) ointment on that with a fresh bandage at least once a day.
Me: You're kidding right? Cuz the stitches are in that part of my back where I can't reach no matter HOW hard I bloody try.
Doctor: Oh yeah. Uhhhhhh. Well, just ask one of your neighbors to do it.
Me: Are you serious? (Oh my god. I am not having this conversation with you right now). Yeah, no.
Doctor: Right, so you can't get your neighbors to do it? Well then... hmmmmm.... well, I don't know what to tell you. I guess, just uh, clean it and bandage it up once day. I must be off - have a great afternoon!
Me: But ... !!!

And then the converstaion was over.

I'm not kidding. The stitches are just between my shoulder blades a little on the right side. This morning I used my cuticle-pusher-backer to help get the old bandage off, which ended up being a GOOD thing since considering the state it was in (be glad I'm so not going there). But after about 10 minutes of fumbling between turned mirrors and twisted (not to mention strained) arms, I may now officially call the Drop and Stick™ method my own.

Step 1:
Position self, back turned, in front of large mirror. Alternatively use the tiny, 2-inch mirror hanging in your, the world's smallest, bathroom under piss poor lighting.

Step 2:
Lean forward at a 45 degrees, prepared to adjust angle at any given moment.

Step 3:
Remove bandage from wrapping and hold as near to the area of concern as possible, translating to nowhere NEAR the area in question, but that's why you're leaning forward. To help aid the process.

Step 4:
Drop bandage and hope to holy fuck that it lands somewhere NEAR the wound.

Step 5:
Use cuticle-pusher-backer to rearrange as needed.

Step 6:
Rub self against doorframe to seal the deal.

Yeah, so it's not an exact science but at least it's covered. And when I get my hands on he-who-must-not-be-named but has a thick british accent, is about 6'2", tall, dark, and handsome, not to mention conveniently 4000 miles away at the moment... he better bloody well be ready for a verbal lashing, not to mention the possibility of physical torture, for not being here to take care of his woman. Be warned.

So if you'll excuse me, I have a wall I need to scratch myself against.

Comments

So all this is your boyfriend's fault, because he isn't there....
Isn't that just like a girl? tch.
And get better soon! For goodness sake!

Posted by wellington on June 14, 2005 6:51 PM:

And I will vouch for the fact that your bathroom is the smallest in the world.

Posted by Steve on June 15, 2005 12:02 AM: