Montly archives
California's gettin' a new do
One of my new favorite people got a shiny new design today!
Char has waited so patiently since before I left for England, and of course... I had to give her something spectacular!
She requested something zen and clean... and whoala! Go say hi, won't you?
So sorry on repeat
Huge apologies to anyone and everyone coming in contact with me today. I'm wearing the pink cords, AKA The Pink Cords Whose Fly Mysteriously Comes Undone™. I can't explain it, it just happens. Like losing your sanity - it just happens. And before Welly asks, no, there will be no pictures.
Huge apologies for the mess about the place as of late. I've been awful at posting, as it seems I've just barely had enough time to get something on to Lumiere each evening last week. However I assure you this weekend gave me the EXACT rest I needed and I'm feeling back in Smart-Ass order. Sometimes a girl needs to sleep 12 hours, lounge about the house all day in pajamas, shower at 10 at night just so she can change in to some new, clean pajamas and repeat the entire process the next day. My house smells like vanilla, the laundry is done, the suitcase is unpacked, and I'm finally caught up on sleep. I blame it all on The Tourist Guide™ for wearing me out.
Furthermore, huge apologies for the recycled designs around here. I know, I know, I know - 2 recycled designs in the past week when my *real* intention was to give ya'll a shiny, new design to drool over... It'll come. It always does.
And apologies to my mom for drinking out of the milk carton when I was 5 years old. So sorry. Don't worry, I only do it when I'm not sharing the carton with anyone now :).
That's all the apologies I have for today. Thank you for tuning in.
I couldn't stop giggling while I wrote this one
Filed under "Things only my best friend would do", she's done it again. Of course this incident doesn't trump the ***Toilet Water™ incident. I think there's very few things that could ever top that stunt, but this one holds a special place in my heart.
... we'll get back to the ***Toilet Water™ stunt later ...
Apparently the clock was approaching 5 yesterday, which in Le Serial Cynica land rougly translates as "See-ya muthafuckers, I'MMMMMMMMMM OUTTA HERE!!!!!" Unfortunately the clock wasn't quite ticking fast enough, so to burn a few minutes she decided to do what she does every other day at this time. She went to the bathroom.
Please, like you've never tried to burn a few minutes that way.
So she went in the women's bathroom and took the larger of the two stalls because it has a mirror. And frankly she loves looking at herself almost as much as I love looking at pictures of myself. HEY WAIT A SECOND, WHERE DID *THAT* COME FROM?!?! The point being, she took the bigger stall. So she hikes up her little skirt and squats above the seat - Miss Cynica neeeeeeever, eeeeeeever sits on toilet seats. Best not to ask why, just accept that as fact. Ho hum, things are going along smoothly when someone else comes in the bathroom and enters the stall next to her.
Like clockwork, she checked out the shoes of said person to see who it might be. And at that moment she realized the door to her stall was WIIIIIIIDE open and loudly exclaimed, "OH MY GOD, I'M SO EMBARRASSSED!. The person in the next stall, a poor lass from the adjacent office, came in, saw Miss Cynica in all her glory, and didn't even make a single face or a peep. Bless her heart.
Man, that girl kills me.
***Toilet Water™: [Disclaimer: sopheava.com in no way endorses or recommends said actions, and would never, ever, ever attempt such tomfoolery] The incident in which said friend, in final days of employment with ex-employer, made boss's coffee with toilet water. She snuck in the bathroom, conveniently located next to the kitchen, took a big scoop of toilet water with the carafe, and proceeded to make boss's coffee just like every other day. I can't actually remember if she repeated the process when he told her, "It was great," and, "How about another pot!"
Steve, AVERT YOUR EYES!!!
Or maybe this entry should be called, "Steve, download these songs now cuz you'll love 'Get Your Number' as much as you loved Headsprung by LL Cool J after I introduced the two of you that blissful March afternoon."
I officially declare today: Play-Mariah-Day™. AKA, get some Mariah on yo' bitch ass stereo, like, now.
Yes, I realize how that just sounded. And yes, I mean it. Seriously people, I am *SO* loving (most of) Mariah Carey's new album and am NOT AFRAID TO PROCLAIM IT TO THE WORLD... in the safe confines of my little website.
There's at least two people who agree with me - don't even give me that look.
So enjoy a few songs from her new album, and one from an old album. All the while adhering to strict right-click, save-as conventions of course. Or I'll sic her big, bad, bodyguard peeps on you.
Mariah Carey - Get Your Number
Mariah Carey - It's Like That
Mariah Carey - To The Floor
Mariah Carey - Always Be My Baby
Signs of 30, creeping up fast
I did it again last night. I was talking to her for an inordinate amount of time, when after several hours of conversation we said goodnight and I promptly rolled over and fell sound asleep..... only to wake up a few hours later thinking I fell asleep whilst on the phone with her. So I started saying, "Keira? HELLO?! KEIRA?!?!" At this point reality started setting in and realized I didn't have a phone in my hand.
... And that I wasn't drunk.
... And that perhaps I'm slowly losing my mind.
I mean really, if these things are going to happen they'll be a lot more fun if I'm drunk, ya'know?
But at least I don't pass out in my front doorframe or pee in front of total strangers.
Friday's Feast
It's been a while since I've done one of these. And I do believe Wellington will be joining in the fun later today *fingers crossed*.
1. Appetizer: Name a store or restaurant you no longer visit because of a bad experience you had there.
Heartbreaker - it's a women's little girl's clothing store in Uptown Minneapolis. I walked in there, and after browsing for about 5 minutes the manager came over to me and said, "I'm sorry, we don't have anything here that will fit you so you probably want to leave."
Ok seriously, I am NOT 300 lbs. I'm also not 10. Or anorexic. So if you're either of those I'm sure you'll love their trashy shit.
2. Soup: If you could own any building in existence, which one would you want?
It would be a house on the ocean. Can't think of anything in particular, but something that's big and lovely with a beautiful garden out back. And is not likely to get swept away in a hurricane.
3. Salad: What's your favorite commercial these days?
Miss Sophie doesn't *do* TV in her house, mkay?
4. Main Course: When was the last time you felt guilty about spending money, and what was it you purchased?
I also don't *do* guilt when it comes to money, k? When I purchase something I'm quite particular about how and where I spend my money, making sure it's not at second-rate, tacky stores like Heartbreaker.
5. Dessert: Friday's Feast is going to be having it's First Birthday in 2 weeks. What should we do to celebrate?
We should make Friday's Feast answer some of our *own* questions!
Wellington's f-f-f-Friday Feast!
Hello! It’s Roger (Wellington)!
Margaret has very generously given me the opportunity to do another guest post, so either she’s feeling sorry for me because I don’t have a blog, or she’s gonna be out getting her hair done today or something, and can’t make it. I suspect the latter. Not that getting her hair done takes all THAT long, but then she has to fit in three or four hours of driving round with her car windows open being seen (wind teasing her hair ravishingly as the car ZOOOOOOOOOMMMS down the highway, stereo blaring out "Music to Watch Girls By" at MAXIMUM volume, pressing the ‘Lipstick’ button on her dashboard to automatically touch up her lippy, Penelope Pitstop stylee, screeching at the traffic as she goes: "Get OUT of My Way, Ugly FreakCars™, Margaret’s Comin’ Thru!!!", and flooring the pedal, changing the music to "Born To Be Wild" and hitting 120mph easy, the engine purring with satisfaction etc etc – think Barbarella in a car and you’ve got it).
So instead you’ve got me. I can only apologise.
I WAS gonna waffle on about our General Election coverage yesterday, which is always worth watching for Peter Snow (think crazy, eccentric quintessentially British mad professor and you’ve got him in one) and his Swingometer ™ (not as groovy funkmeister as you’d think from the name, but still fun) - but to be honest I nodded off at 3.30am, and when I woke up Mister Tony Blair was still our Prime Minister (like a President but with smaller cars) so there’s probably not much worth telling you.
One thing I DID notice is that in every constituency where there was a Monster Raving Loony candidate, their loonyness seemed to be entirely dependent on wearing hopeless top hats and hundreds of dayglo badges. Not a single one of them was naked, or hanging upside down from a pole, or dressed as a giant rabbit, or riding a crab, or eating soap. It’s little wonder they hardly got any votes.
I was just having a smoke, and a colleague was telling me she’d just been to the chemist’s (Superdrug, if you’re reading, Margaret’s Tourist Guide) and she’d bought some Party Feet™, which are apparently these gel things that stick inside your shoe at the ball of your foot, so you can dance and strut your funky stuff without worrying about corns or blisters. She’s getting on a bit, you understand. Can you imagine pulling some girl inappropriately at a party, getting her back to your pad, and she kicks off her shoes to reveal her Party Feet™ flapping off her toes like flat dead frogs. Blech.
Anyway, I digress. Friday Feast time!
Appetizer: Name a store or restaurant you no longer visit because of a bad experience you had there.
Every time I visit Schofields department store in Leeds, I get an electric shock from static on the escalators. I’m sure it’s deliberate.
Soup: If you could own any building in existence, which one would you want?
Hmmm… I’ll take the British Museum please. Get rid of all those annoying tourists, and I’d live in the round Library in the centre – that would be my groovy ultra-modern home, with the rest of the place as a Secret Base full of space age gadgets and rocket ships and merry-go-rounds and stuff. Staffed by posh English butlers and French maids.
Salad: What's your favorite commercial these days?
I miss the ultra cheap ones, which you hardly see any more, with some dude who owns a carpet warehouse telling you about his Crazy Crazy Sale – years ago we used to have one for Shackleton’s High Seat Chairs ("They’re Lovely") voiced by a senile old lady ("They bought it from Shackletons, you know") which can’t have cost more than twenty quid to make, and at the end of it you saw her snuggling into this horror of a comfy chair, the advert stopping just before the trapdoor opened up beneath her and she was fed to the albino crocodiles. I think that’s what happened, anyway.
Main Course: When was the last time you felt guilty about spending money, and what was it you purchased?
Hmmmm guilt… what’s that again?
Dessert: Friday's Feast is going to be having it's First Birthday in 2 weeks. What should we do to celebrate?
Have a huge piss-up, snog someone you work with inappropriately (whom you hate), stagger home, throw up in the taxi, and phone in sick on Monday.
Right! That’s your lot from me! I’m off to get me hair done!
Roger (Wellington) x
America's Next Top Model: Le Serial Cynica
Everyone must go read this entry right now. It's a moral imperative.
Man that chic kills me. I think violent is my favorite. I so-ho-hooooo want to play along this weekend... AND SO SHOULD YOU!
Happy Mother's Day to my mom
I have the most fantastic mom. I really do. If it weren't for her I wouldn't have turned out so fantastic (just giving credit where credit is due ;-). Today is the day I get to thank her for so selflessly giving herself and her life to me.
I get my fashionable style sensibilities from her, along with my love obsession for music, ability to give killer footrubs, love of writing, and secret Andrews recipe for the most fantastic (did I mention secret) stove popped popcorn on the planet.
If my mom was a portrait, she'd be a multicolored collage. With snapshots of her children, her husband, her parents and siblings circling the perimeter of her life. The innerds of the painting would look more like a rainbow. Yellows, pinks, blues and greens illuminated by rays of light. With reflected colors dancing on the outer edges, similar to the dance of sparkling water.
When looking back at the 27 years that has been my life, there are 3 things my mom gave, without question, that have made all the difference. At least, these are the three things I'm using to paint her canvas this evening.
Love.
Always unconditional. Always from her heart. Her love is what holds our family together. As matriarch, it is her loving nourishment that flows through my veins. Even when that love is for Celine Dion, I cannot deny that I *too* love Celine because of her. My mom is a warm hug and smiling face.
Healing.
Something I've not talked about on this site is how sick I was for the majority of my childhood, until the time I was about 21 years old. It was the way my mom kissed me on the forehead, rocked me to sleep, gave me footrubs, but most importantly taught me the tools that healed me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. If it weren't for her, I don't think I would be typing this right now.
Patience.
She taught me through her patient actions how to live life, and how to live it intentionally. Instead of giving me a toy, she would pick me up so I could reach it myself. She taught me to always say "Please" and "Thank you" (especially when I wanted a lollipop from the bank clerks), and that every time I did so it would bring a smile to their faces. She was always right.
Happy Mother's Day mom, I love so you so dearly.
Getting felt up much?
Ha ha ha, gotta love karma.
America's next top model beyotch
Le serial cynica did it and I just HAD to give her a little competition. Yes, yes, yes... she had on makeup, had her hair done and nails did, and was wearing a cute little outfit. But as we all know, I don't *do* what everyone else does so my photoshoot called for the "au-natural" look.
America's next top model baby, here I come! Aaaaaaaaaaand I'm spent!
Imitation of a real post
Don't really feel like a proper post, so I'm just gonna let some things blurt out today.
- Did you know that unless you live in the United States, and even then it's rather questionable, that the rest of the world has no idea where Minneapolis or Minnesota is? Hell, by the 100th time I started explaining where it was I tried the whole "It's near Chicago" angle. Which of course gave me the, "Where's Chicago?" line. I'm speechless. Really.
- I'm thinking about doing another photo scavenger hunt. Is there any interest in seeing the unseeable?
- If I have to listen to the phrase "more friendlier" one more time, I will slit my wrists with a rusty spoon. Please. Don't.
- Ditto for "I seen 'blah'." Except in the latter's case I will slit the OFFENDER'S wrists. I seen it. I seen him do that. I seen that movie. GAH! No wonder the rest of the world doesn't care where we live.
- Ever seen the microsoft logo? Right between the O and the S there's a little cut-out, which I noticed recently. Why is it cut out? What does it mean and is it related to the free-masons?
Get back to me about the photo thing. Alternatively I'd do a Q&A session because it'd be a lot easier. But I'll let you guys decide if you're intereted in knowing anything you don't already know (which quite honestly would be a shocker since I'm pretty frank around here...).
A quick peek at Longhorn
In case you live under a rock, Microsoft has been dangling Longhorn, the next installment of Windows, around for ages.
See a sneak peek here.
Frankly, I'm unimpressed. Every time I have to set up a new computer the first thing I do is turn off all that extra graphic shite they have going on all over the place. A) it makes everything slow, and B) it takes so god damned long to navigate to everything.
Furthermore, I'd be impressed if their search ACTUALLY SEARCHED! I have such beef with their search, if you haven't noticed.
So besides changing some colors, what are the real changes to Longhorn gonna be?!?!
I'M THE WEINER! I MEAN WINNER!
I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD WIN A PRIZE! Last week Friday's Feast announced its one year birthday is today and asked what they should do to celebrate. I suggested that we make them answer our own questions - and low and behold, they're opening up the gates of feastingdom to our devious minds!! WOO HOO! Now I'm gonna have to think of some good ones. Until then... you get to nibble on this week's feast.
1. Appetizer: Whose intelligence do you find intimidating?
My own. Honestly though, I am not intimidated by the *intelligence* of others. Instead I prefer to look to everyone as a "learning opportunity."
2. Soup: Name something you've done that surprised yourself.
Kept this website up for as long as I have... And then this one too. Not to mention this one as well.
3. Salad: List 3 people whom you have only "met" online, but consider good friends.
Roger of course (even though he may not forgive me for neglecting to drop in for a bit of tea whilst in England). Raych and Char are seriously entertaining as well.
4. Main Course: Where is the dirtiest place you've ever been?
Ummmmm... Chicago? I'unno. I can't really think of a good answer to this one.
5. Dessert: What is the best example of "perfection" that you can think of?
Nature. Flowers, clouds, trees, it's all infinitely perfect.
Does anyone care?
For your Friday read: Look, NO ONE CARES!.
Additionally, I'd like to opt in anyone who:
A) thinks they're a local celebrity because they have been spotted at more than one dirty, nasty, smelly club downtown
B) knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who was in a movie that one time
C) is desparate to have an identity
Happy non-caring Friday!
Mars vs. Venus
(In case you've never read this before... it's classic. And apparently true as well.)
TEACHER: Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
THE STORY...
REBECCA: At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
GARY: Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. 'A.S. Harris to Geostation 17' he said into his transgalactic communicator. 'Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far...' But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
REBECCA: He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. 'Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,' Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?' she pondered wistfully.
GARY: Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. 'We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!'
REBECCA: This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semiliterate adolescent.
GARY: Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. 'Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels.'
REBECCA: Asshole.
GARY: Bitch.
REBECCA: Get screwed.
GARY: Eat shit.
REBECCA: SCREW YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
GARY: GO DRINK SOME TEA - WHORE.
TEACHER: A+ - I really liked this one. Only group to get an A.
A Sorta Fairytale
It's been a while, but a new design was in order to spiffy up the place. I whipped up something a bit "springy", complete with flowers and a touch of pink (there must always be a touch of pink!). I've also changed a few things around the joint, so if you don't like the design... tough. Skinning is on a temporary hiatus.
Blue and pink are not though.
Neither is brown.
Enjoy the new digs!
You can tell a lot about a woman...
I've seen this mini-meme around flickr and thought it sounded like fun. So in lieu of a wordy post tonight I'm giving you... *drumroll please* THE CONTENTS OF MY PURSE. Could there *BE* anything more exciting?
If I can impart one thing on you with this entry, it's the tremendous beauty that is Moleskine. I love them so dearly, and so should you, what with their beautiful and durable leather binding, elastic band to hold the precious contents neatly together, and itty bitty paper pocket in the back for secret squirrel notes. Everyone should run to their nearest Barnes and Noble or Borders bookstores to pick up one or ten.
- *THE* purse... or should I say "bag"? It really is more of an over-the-shoulder, hip-length satchel. More importantly it's brown leather and perfectly holds and organizes the contents of my life.
- Ella. My little beauty travels everywhere with me. And why wouldn't she? Look how gorgeous she is!
- Checkbook.
- Wallet, lined in pink of course. What other color would line my wallet I ask of you?
- Moleskine address book.
- Pen-carrier. I have this serious obsession with the type of pen I write with - which of course means I have a favorite brand and color. This little beeeyoot carries several colors in that brand PLUS a pencil. You know, in case of a pencil-mergency.
- Moleskine journal-sized book. This item related to #8 in that I was always stuffing loose, half-folded papers in that back of that book. Until I finally decided to properly chicken scratch in one place with the hope that none of my loose paper would fly the coup and end up in someone's path at the grocery store. Yeah. That would be embarrassing.
- The book™ someone wrote for me. It goes where-ever I go. Period.
- Keys.
- Keycard(s). There's actually 2 others I need to run around at work, but I couldn't show you those. Because then I'd have to kill you.
- Coin purse, matching wallet #4. It's lined in the same pink.
- Gum. I hate that flavor and won't ever buy it again.
- In order from L to R - nailclippers, lipgloss, lipstick, chapstick. All very, very necessary in the contents of a woman's purse.
- Eyeglasses case.
- (I'm just a) Bill. (A lonely) Bill.
Someone has a case of the Monday's
Oh... dear... goddess... can't... breathe...
I just got off the phone with my salon, the trusted light-of-my-life salon that is Rocco Altobelli's downtown, to find out that my hairdresser is GONE!!! I just saw her a couple weeks ago and now this!
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!?!
You have to understand that Alex and I had a relationship. An unspoken bond. *I* would waltz in there after a hair-coloring and say, "Work your magic!". And then she would. This new person is gonna make me look like Pat Benetar I just know it.
And to make things worse, all this on the heels of the decision to get rid of the blonde and try a flavor of brunette. Or at least I think that's what I'm doing. Either way, this blonde and red thing is old and tired and I need a fresh summer-do. And a fresh summer cut to match my fresh summer-do.
Catastrophe. My life is over.
Someone hold me.
"Premiere" opportunities
The Tourist Guide™ just fired off an email letting me know he happened to be passing through Leicester Square in Central London tonight. Conveniently, Leicester Square is where the third Star Wars movie is premiering. Tonight.
Let's be honest. It is NO coincidence he passed through the square, and seeing how his sci-fi geek factor scores off even MY geeked out charts, he has some fessing up to do.
Although he did rather point out that if I were there I'd make him stand next to one of the storm troopers so I could take a picture. Which made me giggle because I most CERTAINLY would have.
"Go stand next to the guy in white. NOW! Hee hee. No really you look great. Ha ha ha. You don't look stupid at all. No no, I'm not laughing, I just had something in my throat. *SNAP* Just one more *SNAP*, in case that one didn't turn out. *SNAP* Am I taking secret *SNAP* pictures? Oh heck no! *SNAP* That would be *SNAP* rude *SNAP* and I would never do that. Yes I know it's a digital camera... but, whatever. SMILE!!! *SNAP* Ooh ooh, hey look - it's an x-wing fighter. *SNAP SNAP SNAP* Your mama would be so proud to see you at the helm of one of those. Go ask that Jedi knight *SNAP* to stand in front of it with you so I can take your picture. Tell him I'll make him famous by putting his picture all over the internet. *SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP SNAP*"
Man, I kill myself.
Thank goodness for designer's
There's this wonderful little website called the Wayback Machine, which can be useful for a variety of reasons. The best use is so you can laugh at your friend's old "design". I know Raych has some great historical material on Steve, so this is my little way of kicking off the imminent fiesta.
Oh Steve, thank goodness you have a web designer.
The second time around
After lots of conversations with the self, I've decided to reveal just a snippet of one of the few things I closely guard. Since this website began I've had three basic rules.
-- First, no blogging about work. As if I need to explain that one.
-- Second, no blogging about love life. Yes I realize many people make their romantic selves highly available on their websites, but I've always wanted the website to be about me. I am self centered, have we met?
-- Third, no blogging about the intimate details of family (members).
Ok, so they're more like guidelines. But with that said I'm going to expand the boundaries of the second rule a bit and expose a small piece of my private life... without going all gushy on you. Cuz frankly, highly dramatic websites about relationships bore me and I promise to give you plenty else to be bored with (as if there was any question). There is a special someone in my life and lately he's gone by the secret squirrel codename 'The Tourist Guide™'. I believe you've met. He does have a real name as well, Ben, and we have travelled a long road together. Feel free to ask any questions but in general, the second guideline will remain in tact.
Whew, ok now that THAT is out of the way we can resume normal activity.
Anyone up for a voyeuristic scavenger hunt? We played this once before, but I think we can go ahead and have at it again. Because I'm nice like that. Choose wisely grasshoppers. This is your, um, second and only shot at seeing the unsee-able! How do we play?
No requests equal a very quiet week Chez Sophie. Happy Tuesday!
This is the most I've sworn in ages
This weather needs to get stuffed. Of the past 30 days I'm pretty sure it's rained 30 of them. In fact the weather is so bad that this past weekend when Steve IM'd me and said, "Crazy weather we're having, eh?" my immediate response was, "I don't know. My curtains have been closed since Friday." It's old. It's tired. And now it might interrupt my plans to go shoot some photos this weekend. Great googly moogly.
You know what else needs to get stuffed? The Minneh-soatins in charge of Minneapolis highways. You want to know why? Let me tell you why.
I live in downtown Minneapolis. Two blocks from my house 6 lanes from 2 major highways plus a few smaller streets (mine, in point) merge in to 3 lanes. Not the smartest decision made by the powers that be, but I'll let it slide because hey - it's downtown. They don't really have the room to fix that problem. What I find inexcusable is the nameless opening of a new "charge" lane on *my* highway. A few weeks ago I started noticing a couple of signs going up above the on-ramps with digital readouts and "toll" looking icons. "Oh no they di'nt," I thought to myself. Alas, nothing was in the news and nothing was announced. No blinking lights, no unexpected fine's showing up in the mail. "We are safe from the pitfalls of tolls," I reassured myself, praying for a miracle.
Then Monday happened. It takes me approximately 20-25 minutes to get to work and on THAT day it took me almost 40. Ho hum, I guess there was a crash. Monday night and Tuesday morning were repeats, only without the crashes. "Interesting," I thought to myself. "Everything is backed up in every direction and I am *not* ok with this. Thank goodness I have Bella to keep me company. *calm blue ocean...*" Sure, THEN I read in today's paper about the big opening of the new "pay" lanes on the highway. Let me sum up:
-- new rules in effect 24-7
-- third lane of highway reserved for carpools
-- single motorists may use third lane if they pay the toll
If you cross the double line you'll be charged the toll, which of course is completely dependent on how much traffic there is at the moment. Yesterday it got as high as four dollars. Four. Dollars.
So while the fucking STATE is trying to make some god damned money, every Minneapolis driver is PISSED beyond words, getting in to crashes, riding this, that, and the other person's ass in 5 mph traffic, all while their collective drive-time's just doubled. Because when we used to have 3 lanes, we now have 2. Even on weekends.
"... [the reduction of lanes] was considered..." some a-hole said. Was considered. I hope they enjoy their fucking t-bone dinners in their fucking lake homes tonight.
But don't worry, while you, my dear reader, will be fined and potentially sent to jail for LIGHTING UP A FUCKING CIGARETTE in a restaurant, our great nation is allowing you the option of pulling out the completely legal, not to mention loaded, gun in your jacket pocket and shooting someone in the knee. Because it is totally legal to carry loaded guns around the city.
Yes, really.
The apple doesn't fall far
My sister is my hero. Read on.
That's why I love my dad. Cuz he can take a totally serious story and end it with the stupidest, funniest line ever. Must be where I get all my wit and sense-of-the-funny from.
;-)
The wine lover's guide to fiction
Part of me feels dirty because it seems like every blogger I've come in to non-physical, non-restraining ordered, completely legal contact with today has already been up close and intimate with Revenge of the Sith. And then written about it as bloggers often do. So while I promised *someone* I would wait to see it until we could see it together (excuse me for a moment while I make myself throw up)... the fact remains that I've likely read every possible spoiler, several times over, for the last movie Lucas could crap on. I mean let's be honest, the only way he could have REALLY fucked up this flick is by not turning Anakin until the final 2 seconds.
But because of my curiosity NOW I know what happens.
But it's not like I'm confessing to doing anything wrong cuz HELLO! We all know how the story ends.
So yeah. I'm still the virginal Jedi who knows good from evil and chooses to hold the hand of good. And possibly take a fashion risk just so I can wear cute braided buns on each side of my head. But more importantly fire "lasers" at anyone I so choose. And make that cool clicking sound when I walk.
Right?
I'm still good, right?! RIGHT?!!!!
Man I needed to get that off my chest. Whew!
So instead of placing myself in the direct path of the Dark Side of the Force I have taken this opportunity to pick up a few good books... again. You won't find a repeat of last summer's Reading Programme™, but there *is* something about summer that makes me want to read non-stop. Wouldn't you think my instincts would turn book cravings the other way around??? Alas, perhaps now you're starting to understand what it's like living in my world. "Don't fight it Margaret, go with it." First up I'm tackling The Mists of Avalon again. Third time, mind you. And for someone who reads like she chooses wine (yes, really), it's a very, very big deal that I'm reading anything cover to cover at all.
"A bold book, with a hint of sophistication, this medium-bodied novel is a constantly evolving entity displaying all the possible flavors one novel can have. With a lingering after-taste, this piece is a great surprise given the weakness of the vintage when compared to the 1982 and 1984 pieces. Concentrated and rich, you will continue to discover nested layers until the very last word leaves you content and satisfied."
How'd I do?
I'm melting
Ok FREAKING.... OUT.....
The battery on my laptop is slowly draining EVENTHOUGH MY COMPUTER IS PLUGGED IN THE WALL!!!!! *pant... pant... pant...* You might not see me online for the next few days until Dell's GOD DAMNED MOTHER FUCKING STORE OPENS!!!
Seriously, all computer companies are bastards. They can send people to the fucking MOON but they can't make a battery that lasts more than 2 god damned years WHEN IT'S PLUGGED IN TO A POWER SOURCE ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
Excuse me while I go cry myself to sleep, just after I finish plotting how I'm going to curse a sexually transmitted pox on all the rich computer company bastards ripping nice people like me off (YOU TOO Apple, if your computers were even REMOTELY affordable I'd consider switching over, but they're not because you're bastards - just like all the rest of the computer company bastards).
Update: After one full day of trying everything I could think of as I slowly watched my battery drain, I used what little battery I had left to finally go online, pull a shitload of money from my ass and buy a new one (not to mention pay through the nose to have it express shipped). Then, as if the gods were mocking me, my battery decided to miraculously recharge and now it's back at 100% again like the previous 24 hours never even happened. I think it's time for me to step AWAY from the computer and head back to the safety of my bed.
I hope someone packed the disposable
Today my big brother graduated from college. I'm so proud of him - he's managed to have a wonderful family *and* accomplish that which has been so important to him for many years (and I'm not talking about finally beating my dad at a game of golf; but I'm sure that was nice too). I wish I could have been at the ceremony to see him walk across the stage in his cap and gown (but more importantly take TONS of embarrassing pictures)... alas, it wasn't in the cards and I'll have to count on his wife or my parents to complete their family duties by emailing me the goods.
Congratulations bro'. I'm so proud of you *sniff*.
I figured ya'll needed this
Just feeling generous, so there is music to be shared this evening.
That is all (right click, save-as, all that jazz).
-- Shakira - La Tortura (This is her new single which I am SOOOOO loving. Perfect for booty butt shaking.)
-- The Devlins - World Outside (An oldie and still a goodie.)
-- Coldplay - Sparks (They have a new album coming out in a few weeks. Love thy Coldplay, won't you?)
-- Incubus - 11 a.m. (Off one of my all-time favorite albums: Morning View)
-- Sneaker Pimps - 6 Underground (Cuz it's a good song)
A great quest
Steve and I are planning a little photography expedition on Wednesday. The current plan is to shoot downtown Minneapolis after work, specifically targeting the gorgeous evening light.
If you're in Minneapolis and would like to join us you're totally welcome in to our lomo-posse. Feel free to contact me and I'll give you all the goods. And if you're geeked out enough to understand what a lomo-posse is, then you're definitely part of the cool-kid club.
Oh uh, Steve? You don't mind if I invite a few friends along... do you?
Brief interruption in today's service
I'm not feeling very talkative yet today. In lieu of words I'm giving you music from the new Gorillaz album. Cuz it's wayyyyyy too much fun and everyone should be able to join in the festivities. Get it fast, this one will be taken down soon.
I'll have more to say later. I always do.
Feel Good Inc
El Manana
Kids With Guns
My mom has the goods
My mom totally rocks and followed through with the pictures from my brother's graduation on Sunday. When I snap photos on film and HAVE TO GET EVERYTHING 1-HOUR DEVELOPED THE NEXT DAY BECAUSE I CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER THAN THAT, now I know where my impatience comes from. *heylook bright shiny things*
The first pic is of my brother, his wife, and their oldest son Dominic. Second pic is of Paul and my parents. Seriously - I *love* these pictures. *love love love* Congrat's again Paul!
Say hello to my little friend's
For the love of all that's holy, there IS no light today. Which should be alright because I knew this might happen, but I just bought a new camera and really, really, really wanted to go play.
Almost slipped that one right by you, didn't I? Yes I just bought *another* new camera. Which is hysterical because before I started my photoblog and decided to take this whole photography thing, uhhhhhhhh, seriously(?)... I would peruse other photoblogs and read about the 5 cameras, 6 lenses, tripod, super mega deluxe fireproof bag, filters, and 7 different pieces of imaging software that yonder photoblogger stacked in le secret arsenal.
Man, those photography geeks CRACKED me up. "Who needs all that shit?" I asked myself with a slight sneer.
It turns out *I* need that shit. ** because once you're sucked in your bank account will slowly drain and your friends will either A) always smile on cue or B) refuse to be seen in public with you for fear of having to pose with the maitre'd at the suburban Big Bowl. Which of course is totally accurate. Nothing is sacred.
Dear everyone, thanks for the memories! -Love, Margaret
So without further adieu I'd like to introduce you to my family, figuring each and every one of you has been jones'in for a peek of my goods. But more importantly, this gives me the opportunity to pass along my list of *must-have's* for birthday pressie ideas. (And if anyone can explain to me how everyone in the ENTIRE INTERNET UNIVERSE can somehow afford $4000 Mac's and $2000 in cameras I will give you a cookie. Mmmmmmmmmmm, cookies!)
This is Nina. Everyone say, "Hi Nina." She was an early birthday / Christmas present in 1998 just before I moved to Sweden. Nina and I have been through a lot together. There was Sheboygan, Appleton, Madison, and Eau Claire Wisconsin; there was Minnetonka, Eden Prairie and Minneapolis, Minnesota. There was Finland, Germany, Greece, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, and England. There was college, there's post-college. And there's been about 5 boyfriends too. She's a Canon Rebel G, complete with 2 lenses as shown, and she is my baby. *I love you... you complete me*
On your left we have Le Madamoiselle Holga, and on the right is my fisheye. Yeah. Mr/s. Fisheye needs a name and I haven't decided if it's a boy or a girl yet. But all my equipment has a proper name so there will be some name-age going on up in this beyotch.
My Holga holds a particularly sweet place in my heart because eventhough she's cheap and plastic, she has style. Gotta respect the style, no? Her only drawback is that she consumes medium format (120) film which is rather hard to come by, not to mention a little pricey. Totally worth it though. Can't mess up any of her shots unless you forget to tape the batteries in. In which case your pictures will feature The Attack of the GIANT BATTERIES. So un-noir unless you're in to big black things up 'n in your business.
The fisheye is for fun. It's rather new and I don't actually have any photos to show you yet, but it's fun the way that blonde hair with a red undertone is fun. "WOO HOO, THERE'S A PARTY OVER HERE - EVERYONE LOOK THIS DIRECTION!!!!" *snap snap snap*
Finally we have my digital camera and my scanner. Neither of which are named but we will joining in the naming ceremony Mr. Fisheye is throwing, promptly followed by cocktails and the REAL party at an undisclosed location.
I highly recommend the Canon Powershot A400 as a fun, throw it in your purse, snappy little camera that takes *excellent* pictures at the touch of a button. Very affordable and it never lets me down. There's much Powershot love in the house of Sophie.
The scanner is a bit tricky - not very expensive and totally worth it if only for the fact that it scans film negatives. A total must since Nina eats film, not 0's and 1's. The quality isn't the greatest but it's good enough that none of you punters can tell the difference.
Today's diatribe will conclude with my short list of wants. Birthday and Christmas are coming up!!!
- Nikon D70. Oh pretty please with sugar and kisses on top?
- The accompanying 70-300mm autofocus lens. Must. Have.
- The Crumpler Next Venue bag, for storing all my loot.
Raindrops on *every god d@mned thing* and whiskers...
Now here's something I haven't done in a while, a list of things I'm thankful for this month! And seeing as how it's still raining and is predicted to keep on this way for the entirity of the weekend, you'll just have to keep on loving England until I can manage to scare off this nasty weather with my angry face.
sally hanson nail polish || ups || sunroof's || blossoming lilacs || lomo-goodness || bruegger's bagels || avalon wisdom || lucky bamboo plants || photoshop || le serial cynica || crows || fresh, spring air || communication || thunderbird || moleskine || growing green plants || rain (GAH!, there I've said it... now will it please stop for 2 microseconds?)
Next thing you know, I'll want a mini-van
You will never guess what I have sitting in front of me. Never in a million years. Never never never never never. I have, sitting in front of me, a lease *renewal* form. That's right, for the first time, um, EVER??? I'm staying in one place for more than a year. Or at least I think I am. OH MY GOD I'M COMMITTING! SOMEONE WAKE ME FROM THIS HORRIBLE, VOMITOUS NIGHTMARE!!!
There's still hope. I haven't actually signed the papers - I have until July 31st to do that. Which translates as, "I have until July 31st to give Steve a heart attack by telling him I'm moving again." And nothing delights me more than giving Steve heart attacks and watching him carry all my heaviest possessions. It's all fun 'n stuff.
I've moved so much that after I unpack within the first week of moving, the boxes just get stored up in my closets. Because I know that I will need them again soon and boxes are difficult to come by. And of course this totally ruins my current record which is 5 residences within the past 3 years (my poor dad, I think I'm the only address written in pencil in his little black book). Sorry dad.
Oh jesus... someone take my pulse. I'm feeling a bit woosy from all this talk of commitment. Oh god... you know what this means don't you? I'm only INCHES away from moving to the suburbs in the next 10 years. I'M NESTING! I'M PUTTING DOWN ROOTS OR SOMETHING!!! GAH!
But with a view like this, how could I possibly want to move?
Memorial Day
For all those who did and do fight for the life I live. Thank you.
Where do I find the time?
Today I ate a salad. And lo, the seas did run red as blood, and the moon became black as sackcloth, and there was a great weeping and gnashing of teeth.
Anyone who knows me knows this is a truly monumentous occasion. It's not that I don't love salads, it's that I buy lettuce and it's molding within 2 days. So one could say with reaonsable accuracy I'm making smart financial choices. And let's face the facts: 1) I live alone, 2) I eat on no one's schedule, 3) I eat nothing traditional, 4) what's the point of buying all kinds of veggies when I only go grocery shopping once every 2 months? And 5) salads are all stupid 'n stuff.
Oh who am I kidding? I'm the snobbiest eater ever. There I said it.
I like salads MY way, not any lame-ass version of what people *think* a salad is supposed to be. Unless of course I order a ginger salad at a yummy Tepanyaki restaurant. Or any other restaurant where the salad is considered gourmet (I'm pointing fingers at your bitch-ass, suburban salads Applebee's!). And if the croutons aren't spiced and softly crunchy juuuuuuuust the way I like them then what's the point? There must be cheese. There must be onions. There must be the perfect version of french dressing that you can not find at grocery stores but only cheap-ass Perkins-type establishments. Additionally...
No carrots.
No green peppers.
No mushrooms.
No olives.
No meat.
I've warmed to cucumbers so I will allow those.
No caesar ick.
No parmesan.
No funky dressing.
And especially no tomatoes. Anyone trying to get me to eat tomatoes will find a tomato somewhere they don't especially want to find one.
Just a few things to keep in mind if you have me over for dinner. Natches ;-).
Today I found a "salad-bar" at the local tres-chic, not to mention really god damned expensive, grocery store. Totally worth it. Totally yummy. And if there were some really hot guys working the deli area I might actually go back more than once a week.
What? WELL I WOULD!
If you're an Andrews, avert your eyes
Her: Oh my god, he has these 2 gigantic balls...
Me: You did NOT just say that
Her: Wait a second, I have some good pics... let me send them over
Me: Is it wrong for me to want to see them?
Her: Shit. I should have shrunk the pictures first... these are taking FOREVER to send! They're gonna be all life-size 'n stuff.
Me: I am not having this conversation with you right now.
Her: Oh my god... I've conjured him by talking about him! He's calling, hold on a second, 'kay?
....
Her: Ok I'm back. I just told him I'm drinking wine and sending my best friend pictures of his penis... to which he responded, "GOD! I feel so... used!"
Seriously, I can't make this shit up. If only you could have heard the entire conversation.