You know how sometimes you just need to confess something to, uhhhh, admit you might have done something wrong?
Right. Sooooooooo, I'm gonna do that now.
My confession involves Tori Amos. And as you probably know I *LOVE HER*, which is why this admission will be all that much more shocking. And REAL! And not even a little bit DRAMATIC!
I confess that I cannot be called a real Tori fan. *sigh* Yes, yes it's true so please let me finish explaining before you try to comfort me.
I have all her albums, all her singles, her live DVD, her book, and have even cried at her concert --- yet, this one deep, dark, horrible, bloody secret trumps all of it. Our story begins when the anti-heroine (that's me) was a mere 17 years old. I bought a computer (pretty high tech to have your own computer at the age of 17 in 1995!) and subsequently spent much of my time on said computer warming up to its games (when I wasn't on the NES, of course, OF COURSE). A few months later I had a summer job and finally had the dough to buy my first, real live, *very own* computer game. Oh how wonderful that paycheck was.
After much article-reading (and lots of encouragement from ex-boyfriend's brother) I went to Best Buy and picked up Duke Nukem 3D. Duke. Nukem. It might have even been the FIRST Duke Nukem game for computers, I can't really remember. Anyway, le gorgeous anti-heroine was walking to the cashier when, LO! What's this? A new Tori Amos CD called Boys For Pele just came out? How interesting... The cover picture is kinda creepy and we all know how I feel about snakes... but, I'll pick it up. Cuz she's Tori. Ya'know?
Get home. Game. CD. Game. CD. AAAHHHH! Which one do I open first? Well, the answer quickly unfolded before my very eyes when I realized I had a new, high tech, state of the art Pentium 75mhz complete with a CD player!!! Ooooooooooh. Aaaaaaaaaah. So I installed the game off the CD, plopped in the Tori CD and turned on the first track.
Meh.
Didn't really like the first track. Second track - play. Oooooooh, harpsichord! This sounds groovy. Minimize window, start Duke Nukem (back in the days of no-cd-games) and proceeded to play 2 hours straight of Duke Nukem to the soundtrack of Tori Amos, Boys for Pele. No big deal, right? Well the only time I could listen to the CD was when I was home from work. And the only thing I did when I was home from work was play Duke Nukem. Do you see where this is heading? Do you? Do you?
Every day. Plop in Tori Amos. Start up Duke Nukem. And proceed to kick the living and undead shit out of alien monsters with an unusual penchant for strip-club women. Months and months of Tori and Duke. Hand in hand. Like Britney Spears and Goth music (just ask her, I take full credit for the sordid introductions).
Alas, what has evolved in to my long-winded confession: When I listen to Boys for Pele I want to kick some alien ass. Real, real bad. Blood. Guts. Gore. Laser tripbeams. Pipe bombs. Heat-seeking rocket launchers. BANG! BOOM! POW! All to the tune of, "Hello Mr. Zebra, can I get a sweater cuz it's cold in my hole?". It's fucked up, I know. I don't really deserve to call myself her fan because she likely never intended her album to have that kind of aura about it. So here's the alternate track-listing for the first 7 tunes of Boys for Pele, where in my world everything makes perfect sense. Obviously.
1. Horses - didn't ever listen to this tune. It blew.
2. Blood Roses - World 1, playing with the jet-pack a lot
3. Father Lucifer - Sneaking up on nasty-ass, foul breathed alien monsters admiring their reflections in the bathroom mirror. Sometimes I'd blow up the mirror and give them a start. Heh. Other times I'd sneak through the ventilation shafts and drop a pipe-bomb on their vain asses.
4. Professional Widow - Ohhhhhhh yeah, NOW things are getting interesting. The sound in the song actually sounds like the monsters. I really did have a lot of trouble distinguishing which sounds were coming from the game and which ones game from the song. Listen sometime. It's kinda creepy. Basically this song is all about bloodbath.
5. Mr. Zebra - Backtrack in the world a little bit and search for hidden crawlspaces or secret chambers. Oooooh.
6. Marianne - Now I feel a little sorry about killing so many monsters. *sniff* They're just trying to make a buck too, ya'know?
7. Caught A Light Sneeze - In the zone baby! Sniping lots of alien asses - basically I'm untouchable.
Dear Tori,
Please forgive me. I just wanted to *love* your cd to death is all. Er, you see?
Love,
Margaret
Comments
but see that is why you are the Ultimate tori fan....your able to take her music to all new and unintended, yet totally satisfying, new hights.......don't sell yourself short just cuz "every" other tori fan is like sheep.....you....you my dear.....are just the type of fan that I am sure that tori loves to have.