DARK HELMET: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Star.
LONE STAR: What?
DARK HELMET: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
LONE STAR: What's that make us?
DARK HELMET: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.

DARK HELMET: So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

DARK HELMET: Who made that man a gunner?
MAJ. ASSHOLE: I did, sir. He's my cousin.
DARK HELMET: Who is he?
COL. SANDURZ: He's an Asshole, sir.
DARK HELMET: I know that. What's his name?
COL. SANDURZ: That is his name, sir. Asshole, Major Asshole.
DARK HELMET: And his cousin?
COL. SANDURZ: He's an Asshole too, sir. Gunner's Mate, First Class, Philip Asshole.
DARK HELMET: How many Assholes we got on this ship, any how?
EVERYONE: Yo!
DARK HELMET: I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes. Keep firing, Assholes!

PRINCESS VESPA: Hey, I don't have to put up with this--I'm rich!

[Princess Vespa has been given a gun] PRINCESS VESPA: I ain't shooting this thing, I hate guns. [her hair gets singed by a laser] My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a bitch! [Blows a lot of shit up!]

BARF: I know we need the money, but...
LONE STAR: Listen! We're not just doing this for money... we're doing it for a SHIT LOAD of money!

HELMET: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
SANDURZ: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
HELMET: What happened to then?
SANDURZ: We passed then?
HELMET: When?
SANDURZ: Just now. We're at now, now.
HELMET: Go back to then.
SANDURZ: When?
HELMET: Now.
SANDURZ: Now?
HELMET: Now.
SANDURZ: I can't.
HELMET: Why?
SANDURZ: We missed it.
HELMET: When?
SANDURZ: Just now.
HELMET: When will then be now?
SANDURZ: Soon.
HELMET: How soon?
SPACEBALL: Sir!
HELMET: What?
SPACEBALL: We've identified their location.
HELMET: Where?
SPACEBALL: It's the moon of Vega.
SANDURZ: Good work. Set a course and prepare for our arrival.
HELMET: When?
SPACEBALL: Nineteen-hundred hours.
SANDURZ: Buy high noon tomorrow they will be our prisoners.
HELMET: WHO?!