This is too funny. Keira received a 'contact me' form submission yesterday from one of the websites she maintains. The website is for a car dealership.
So she opens up the email and the ENTIRE thing is in Spanish. I mean, just the fact that this person has navigated an ENTIRE website in English and assumes that the person on the receiving end of the contact form can speak Spanish baffles my mind. It also makes me giggle. I mostly imagine Keira sitting at her computer desk, in her pajamas and leopard print slippers, banging her head against the desk and twitching. A lot of twitching. "Calm blue ocean. Calm blue ocean. Calm blue ocean."
I am one sneaky, curious mo-fo, so I IMMEDIATELY use google's translator to pop this rough version out. Admittedly, it's not perfect but it's classy enough to make it on my website:
IN NOVEMBER Of the 1996 WE ARRIVED MY BROTHER and I OF VENEZUELA, ARRIVES At THIS PAIS LIKE RESIDENT, but BEFORE COMING I HAD a ACIDENTE,ME CAI OF STAIRS and ROMPI the TIBIA I HAD an INFECTION IN the BONE, WHEN ARRIVES HERE I WAS SAW WITH a MEDICO ORTOPÉDICO, DONATES EXPLAINS to ME THAT TAPEWORM an INFECTION IN the BONE, THAT TAPEWORM THAT TO OPERATE and TO ELIMINATE THEMSELVES LIKE 2 0 3 INCH OF BONE, ME ESPLICO THAT THAT PORNER to ME an APPARATUS TO COVER WITH MATS a NEW BONE, the DOCTOR ME ENCONTRO a PROGRAM THAT PODIA TO HELP ME and MY MEDICO I SIGN PAPERS THAT NOTHING BY the OPERATIONS RECEIVED the 18 OF MARCH OF 1997 WAS MY FIRST OPERATION ALTOGETHER WERE 14 OPERATIONS TWO ANUSES IMEDIO IN RECOVERY, AFTER THAT EMPESE TO WORK IN YAYAS BAKERY BY 3 ANUSES SEVERAL MONTHS ago WORK and I AM NOT DESPERATE, FOR an ANUS IMEDIO ME CASE MY WIFE Llama BEATRIZ, she THIS PREGNANT WOMAN HAS BEEN HAVING 3 MONTHS OF PREGNANCY ALREADY, WE LIVED IN BREAST CASA IS CASA DUPLEX ARQUILADA MY BREAST DUER to ME IN FOURTH and the OTHER MY BROTHER and WIFE And I SLEPT IN The ROOM, IN The ROOM P.m. TO BE ABLE IS A TELEVISION SET YOU ACCUSTOM WE MUST HOPE UNTIL The 8 TO BE IN BED MY ESPSA And I WE FELT BAD I PIENOS MAS IN MY WIFE SINCE SHE THIS PREGNANT WOMAN And I WANT THAT SHE THIS CALM MY WIFE DOES NOT DESCRIBE FOR MEDIQUEID SO THAT SHE DOES NOT HAVE MAS HERE ANUSES, SINGLE SHE I DESCRIBE IN A CLINICA OF HOFNER THAT HELPED HIM SINGLE IN The PREGNANCY, MY WIFE NESECITA LENSES BUT NOT THAT TO DO SHE UNDERGOES OF MEOPIA And NESECITA LENSES To HER HURTS The HEAD To HIM And SHE THINKS THAT SHE IS BY The LENSES, MY EXPERIENCE IS TO WORK IN KITCHEN BUT I DO NOT HAVE CERTIFICATION OF HERE, I want TO WORK IN WHICH IT CAN, TAMBIE AS HIM ESPLIQUE I LIKE TO PAINT PICTURES To I SWELL BUT I DO NOT HAVE the MATERIALS and NESECITO the LINEN CLOTHS and BRUSHES and TO HAVE LUCK FOR PORDER TO SELL THEM,Y the OTHER GREAT PROBLEM THAT I HAVE I THINK IS THAT NESECITO a CAR TO TAKE To MY WIFE to APPOINTMENTS MEDICAS TO LOOK FOR WORK TO HAVE a CAR IS NOT a LUXURY IS a NESECIDAD, if ALMENOS TUVIERASMOS SOMETHING OF MONEY BUSCARIA a APARTAMENTICO OF
(2) a ROOM TO PAY ABOUT TWO ADVANCED MONTHS SINGLE WE WANT TO GO OUT ALREADY WE ARE DESPERADO OJALA HERE a RADIUS LISTENING CAN LISTEN TO THIS SUPLICA and THIS AID THAT NESECITAMOS THAT OCCUPIED PERSON OJALA WHO USTES CAN COME and STATE AS WE LIVED, THAT THERE ARE KIND HEARTS THAT THEY CAN HELP, I THANK FOR YOU to him TO READ THIS LETTER
(3) and TO LISTEN TO and GOD to US IT WANTS THAT IT CAN FIND A a JOB and IF SOMEBODY CAN DONATE a CAR to US Or WHAT THE ONE CAN THAT DESE TO COME To BREAST CASA THAT ASI SABRA MAS COMES FROM THIS LONG HISTORY, THAT I ALSO WRITE BAD
(4) HIM DESIRE ALL the BEST one IN RADIO ASI AS IN
(5) OTHER OCCUPATIONS ASI AS HIM DESIRE ALL the BEST one THAN GOD BLESSES YOU and ALL the EQUIPMENT OF the RADIO and To ALL the RADIUS LISTENING,SI I CAN BE SENT to HIM PHOTO OF the LEG the ENVIO, HAS To MY OPERATED IN TRIMMING REGIONAL the MEDICAL CENTER to ME, THANKS ONCE AGAIN FOR ESCUHAR ME THE ONE THAT WISHES TO CALL Or TO COME the DOOR FROM OPENED HEARTS ESTARAN, MY WIFE and I HAVE TWO WEEKS THAT WE GO To the CHURCH, ASI TO HAVE MAS FRIENDSHIPS ALMOST WE DO NOT HAVE,ES THAT WE DID NOT LEAVE MUCH BUT IN TRUTH WE WANT TO HAVE FRIENDS, BUT AS HIM ESPLIQUE AS SHE IS NOT OUR CASA, WE FELT BAD, ALREADY YOU YOU UNDERSTAND to US,
(6) THAT GOD BLESSES IT, To YOU and ALL the FAMILA, and OJALA SOMEBODY CAN HELP US, THANKS, MY NAME IS IGOR
(7) THANKS. IGOR & BEATRIZ
IF SOMEBODY CAN DONATE A CAR TO ME, PLEASE nececito WORK ayúdenme.
Comments
Oh my gentle Jesus (pron. Hay-Seuss)-
Leave it to M-Dogg to make this little stunt even funnier than it already was!!! Here Igor, why don’t you and your Tapeworms all load up in this FREE Mini Van so that you can take your Pregnant Wife and her Breasts to the clinic? In fact, why don’t you just take this big FREE Suburban and you can double it as your new home? Before the baby is born, you can even use your new FREE Suburban as a Cab Service to make extra money until someone hands you a nice little Six-Figure Job to support the family and pay for that tapeworm procedure.
Call me cruel and insensitive, but SHIT HAPPENS and we all need to work through it and figure out how to make things better. People do it every day and not everyone gets things handed over to them because they cry pathetic. In the words of Mr. Timberlake, Cry me a ri-ii-verrrrrr. Cry meeeeeeeee, cry meeeeeeeeee....
To keep with the theme here, I'd like to share yet another eloquently written piece from another potential car buyer. This person must have been really fucking bored. Welcome to Florida people...
=======================================
The form was sent by watadik@yomam.net
The information sent is shown below -:
Subject: Contact Request form
First_Name: Mike
Last_Name: Hunt
Day_Phone: XXXXXX8364
Evening_Phone: XXXXXX8764
Email: watadik@yomam.net
Preferred_Contact_Method: Email
Message: I been lookin at yo cas! dude u aint got shit. I need me a 1976 Cadi man! wid crome weels and laybk seets bro. M aunt gonna gmme da money. You'all be cool now.
P.S. Yevett...I luv ya baby.
=======================
This is neither clever, nor original. Excuse me, DUMB ASS, but Bart Simpson did this YEARS ago and we were all over it by the time the 90's rolled in. Get some better material or go back to flipping your BigMacs. No one here is impressed.
Don't forget all the ANUS operations Igor had (14 of them?), and protecting his wife from getting a MASSIVE ANUS.
And... please DONATE A CAR if you can spare one. Maybe he can DRAW YOU A PICTURE in exchange?
How could you stand to read that whole thing...? I started scanning mid-second paragraph.